1st week

Well, I got through the first week. I think I met all the goals they set for me except not staying overtime. I had to stay a couple of extra hours a few days, but I finished EVERYTHING and I don´t have to make up anything this weekend.

Hopefully they´ll see that as the true progress it is, and recognize it.

I´m keeping my fingers crossed

I think I´m getting fired...

Yeah. I don´t even know what to say.

I just got notice at my work that I "have been below standard". Apparently, they don´t like me working extra hours to meet my goals despite the fact that I´M NOT GETTING PAID FOR THEM.

Also, they say I´m not positive and don´t make any proposals for improvement. Well, in the same notice I listed 7 different proposals and actions I´ve taken in the past 2 weeks, so that was shot down...

The "positivity"... Granted, I used to have a terrible attitude, but I think this is more a case of having earned a reputation and being unable to shake it off... I used to be really really bad, negative as hell, but I´ve worked VERY hard on improving it, and I have. Everyone´s commented on it, all the feedbacks I´ve received have made an emphasis on that.

So what is happening? Well, it´s one of those cases where you make certain people look bad and they take any opportunity they can get to get back at you. I´ve been meeting all my goals and have even received awards these past 6 months marking that I´ve been a good employee.

I just don´t know what to do. With Mexican law being how it is, I don´t know if I´ve got a leg to stand on...

I´m going to do everything I can to get through this, try to meet any expectations they have, make absolutely no waves and bust my ass so that I don´t have to work overtime anymore... But honestly?

I´ve never met anyone that´s survived an "Improvement plan" in my company... And that´s very discouraging...

Post coming

I know I´ve been MIA for about 6 months, but I´ve had too many things to deal with at home, work, healthwise and with family, and it´s just been too exhausting to even THINK about posting. I´ve been bad, I know. I promise I will post soon explaining why I´ve been gone so long and what the heck has been happening with my life.

Pinky promise.

Father, it's been two months...

since my last blog entry (well, near enough to two months)...

I feel terrible. Guilty as heck for not having blogged. But a lot has been going on, which I will go on to tell you all about...

At the end of November I finally dragged my ass off to a private Ob/gyn (as you might have figured out from my last post). Definitely not pregnant. Turns out I had a couple of cysts. He figures I have PCOS. He had me run an ovarian profile (at least that's what they call it here). It didn't include testosterone or thyroid tests, but I had them run them as well. Everything looks strangely within parameters, except for my LH/FSH ratio. They're both low (as they should be at CD3) but well within parameters. What I'm worried about is that my FSH is like 4 times higher than my LH. Granted, they're both so low the difference is not really noticeable, but I thought they were supposed to be 1:1. My LH is something like 1.5 and my FSH is at like 6... Any thoughts? On the bright side, since getting that shot to make me get my period, I think I'm finally getting more regular. Granted, my period was a week late, but it sure beats 3 months!

In other news, I started dating/stopped dating someone in the matter of 1 week. She cut me off, said she wasn't ready to date anyone because she still had issues dragging her down from previous relationships. Problem is, I really like her. Totally do. She lives nearby and has come and visit several times, and we get along totally great. Problem is, she is totally against having anything with anyone right now, but still treats me like a girlfriend... Which is confusing.

But anyway. I've been somewhat depressed lately. I think it's a mixture of my biological clock ticking, the frustration of feeling my life is going nowhere, stress over debts and everything else in my life right now.

I guess I haven't written mainly because of being depressed. I dunno. Things in my life just seem to be sort of spiraling out of control. I've tried taking some control at least in the health aspect, by going on a diet. I'm concentrating on staying off carbs (which is what makes the IR bad) and I feel like I've been losing some weight. That is sort of encouraging, because I feel that my period is getting on track because of it. I'm having somewhat of a hard time managing the diet, because I crave carbs all the time, so I'm considering going on Met. Anyone have any pros/cons to throw my way?

I think I'll cut this short for now... My mind really isn't on it, but thanks for checking in!

Dying inside...

Just came back from the ob/gyn.

Definitely not pregnant.

PCOS suspected. As well as Hashimoto's. Along with a Prolactin imbalance, still to be determined if ovarian or tumor caused.

I don't have much else to say.

Heartbroken, but relieved to at last know something for certain, I guess.

Sad. Interminably sad...

WTF...

Ok I've had it with all my cycle irregularities and shyte. I am baffled, confused, and I'm beginning to suspect I have a psychological pregnancy on my hands.

Why? -You ask- Well, let me make a list...

(Aside from the fact that all my urine tests have been negative, and no, I haven't had a blood test done because the stupid doctor at the government clinic said it wasn't necessary)

1. Yesterday I felt flutterings right underneath my belly button. And a soft poking, as if someone was sliding a fingertip through my insides. And bumping. Soft bumping.
2. I have a very weird discharge these days, very thick and gooey. Like egg white. But like COLD eggwhite (thicker). And it's usually tinged with brown, pink or sometimes, very little red. I looked for images as to what it could be and it looks disturbingly like a mucous plug.
3. I have nipple discharge!!! And no, I haven't been overly handling my breasts. Only enough to wrangle on a bra each morning and take it off at night. I don't even do monthly breast exams. My doc takes care of that every year or so (yeah, don't even get on my case about this one...)
Which brings me to my next point
4. Bigger boobs. I noticed it the other day. Like. Maybe a week ago.
5. I feel as if I'm wearing a tight suit. My clothes keep fitting the same, but I feel as if my body is expanding underneath my skin, all in my tummy area. You can't really tell anything though because of the fat on me already (I'm very overweight).

So there you have it. Either I'm pregnant or I'm certifiably bonkers. Either way, I guess I'll find out by mid december when I can afford to go to a private doctor, because I am NOT going back to the government run clinic after the last fiasco. Wish me luck, and that I'm not dragged off to the looney bin.

Spotting again... Rant

Ok, so after feeling like a blown-up balloon for a couple of days, I got some very uncomfortable cramps. After that, I started spotting. And spotting. And it's been 2 days just spotting.

I really hope this doesn't turn out like last month where I spotted for 20 days before finally getting AF, because it's really gonna throw everything off. I had hoped to be able to insem by my birthday or close to it (November 18) but now I'm not sure I'll be able to. I really hate this up and down I'm going through with my cycle, I just can't seem to get anything right lately.

I have been thinking a lot about stuff, and all that goes into my head are the "what if"s. If only I had thrown my fears to the wind and tried to get pregnant sooner. If only I hadn't concentrated on being with someone before I tried to get pregnant. If only...

I know that concentrating on things I could have done differently changes nothing and only gets me sad, but I really can't help it lately. I want to become a mom so bad it hurts, and it's practically the only thing I can think about.

It just gets me so frustrated sometimes. I really feel for everyone that wants to get pregnant, but sometimes I read about women who already have children, and who feel sorry for themselves because they can't have a 5th or a 6th, and it hurts so bad, because they're already blessed! And I can't even have that... I wish I was one of those complaining about how I can't have a 2nd, 3rd or 4th child. I'm not saying their pain isn't real... But it certainly can't compare to those of us who haven't even been able to become mothers once.

I guess I should shut up now before I say something else that is gonna push my foot so far into my mouth I can't ever get it out. I'm just bitter today.