So, Sh*t hit the fan...

So a couple of weeks ago I finally decided to tell my sister I was pregnant, I figured she'd had enough time to grieve (6-7 months) and I thought she might be happy for me, since I'd been TTC for over 8 years.

I called her up the day before I was scheduled for my anatomy scan, thinking that if all went well and she was happy for me, she'd like to come. Turns out she had to go check on a construction site in another state (she's an architect) and wouldn't be in town. So I broke down and fessed up. She immediately got very cold towards me and said something like "I am happy for you, God bless you and your child. Bye".

So I went on and told her how I was really surprised to have finally conceived since it was my last try (I had decided the monthly heartache was too much) and really wasn't expecting it. She asked me how far along I was, so I told her (13 weeks) and then she asked if our mom and aunt knew, so I answered in the affirmative.

She then proceeded to berate me, saying I never thought about anyone but myself, how I was selfish, how I knew she didn't want anything to do with pregnancies and/or babies and how I had shoved this in her face knowing her grief. She told me to forget I ever had a sister and that I was dead to her, and to never, ever contact her again. I reminded her that she knew I was trying and was fine with me doing so, and that I was surprised at her reaction. She responded that I had reacted in the same way when she told us and that I shouldn't be surprised at her reaction. I reminded her then of how my personal grief had only lasted about 30 mins and then I was fine, and that I had never even suggested that I wanted nothing to do with her, unlike the way she was acting.

This back and forth went on for at least a half hour, after which she hung up on me and then called back just to yell at me some more, then hung up on me again.

I later found out she contacted our mother and aunt and told them they were dead to her as well, since they hadn't shared my news with her before I did, and that they shouldn't ever expect anything from her ever again (not that she'd ever done anything for either anyway). I also later found out that this reaction was only reserved for my mother, my aunt, and myself. The other sister and relatives who also already knew have not been "disowned", but then she needs these people for different reasons.

I have waited patiently for 2 weeks for her to get in touch, to no avail. I am pretty much ready to write her off myself, for various reasons. She had NO sympathy whatsoever for me when she was the one that was pregnant and I was the one suffering, to the extent of telling me (when I asked her if I could be my niece's godmother since it was probably the closest I was going to come to being a mother), that I "wasn't catholic enough". This coming from someone having a baby out of wedlock.

Anyway. I am still sort of torn between being angry at her, being very hurt, very disappointed and just sort of... ok with the whole thing, although that may sound weird. My sister is not the bright, optimistic, loving little girl I remember her to be, and we haven't seen eye to eye since she was around 15. She's changed too much. And I am not sure she'd be a positive influence for my child anyway.

Ok so I guess all this is to ask for opinions. Should I just write her off? Should I keep waiting for her to come around? Should I try to reach out to her later? I am torn as to what to do, and I'd really appreciate some input.

I guess I've vented. I'll end this now, but hopefully you'll give me your 2 cents.

So, I really need some advice...

You will notice that there is an empty post from Dec. 25 last year, and it's title is "Torn through the middle" or something to that effect.

The post is empty because blogger decided to eat the whole post and I was too emotionally drained to re-write it, but I was basically fuming against the powers that be because my little sister had just announced that she was pregnant. I felt betrayed, sad, useless, as many infertiles will understand.

You may also have noticed my most recent post, with a +HPT.

Now, here's the tricky part of the equation... I am wondering when I should tell my sister that I'm pregnant.

Why?

Well, the baby whose pregnancy news tore me apart last year died in utero 2 days before a scheduled c-section this past July. My sister has never been really stable emotionally, and I am worried as to how she will take the news that I am pregnant while she lost the child she should have been celebrating his or her first christmas with.

My sister knew I was trying again before she lost her baby, and she knew that I continued trying...

I have decided to wait at least until after the holidays to tell her, so as not to ruin them for her like it happened to me last year. The question is, how much more after them should I wait? Some people tell me to wait just after the holidays and then tell her, because she will be hurt if I don't (highly likely), but others tell me to wait until I'm about 5-6 months along to tell her, to give her more time to heal.

What do you guys suggest?

To anyone who is still reading this blog...

Split through the middle...

2011

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE!!! May 2011 bring you joy, health, and may all your wishes come true!!!

And to everyone who is still waiting for their little bundle of joy, I hope from the bottom of my heart this is your year. Especially you, Tammy... You deserve it more than anyone I know...

AF Update

Well, despite the fact that my chart may claim otherwise, my AF lasted a whole 12 days. I was starting to fear that it was a repeat of Jan 08, but alas (THANKFULLY!), it was not to be.

I am now wondering if my next AF will come on time (Which is getting pretty close...), but since my last AF was so long, I don't know if I should count the days from the START of my last AF, or count from 3-4 days before it ended (which was my usual AF length before all this shit started).

Anyone have any idea of when I should expect AF? Today I'm on CD26, but since AF was 12 days long, am I really on CD18?

Hmmmmm

WARNING!

If you're not into graphic posts about menstrual flow, STOP READING NOW!!!

Don't say I didn't warn you...

Anyhow, my AF has been all over the place for the past 2 years. First it started going wonky on Nov '07, then I bled for over 25 days in Jan '08 until I went to the doc and got meds, then I was on HRT for 6 months til Jul '08, then I did an insem and it went so wonky that I actually thought I might be pregnant until I finally went to a doc again and he said I had cysts in Dec '08. He gave me a shot and my AF was pretty much normal for the first half of '09 and then it started going crazy again. VERY light, short periods, with a VERY long cycle in between... I thought it was never going to end...

My last AF, in January '10, was again very short, very light, but clearly AF (although I tend to try to convince myself otherwise once it's over). I am torn between hoping for, what to me, is a normal AF, and dreading having a heavy AF and not having it stop like in Jan '08. So yeah, I had a "normal", yet light, AF in Jan, and now, exactly 30 days later (what used to be my regular cycle length before), I have AF again. Apparently, it's nice and heavy... And I may be claiming early victory, but it's looking like it's going to be a normal one. I also have a good feeling (knock on wood) that they're FINALLY getting back to normal. I had a peek at that when I was in Tucson last year, but I'd lost hope that it would actually happen because it went wonky again. I am now thinking it was due to the renewed stress of moving to a new city and starting over after the trip to Tucson, because I have been relaxed as of late (with the exceptions of the stress involved in being a 3rd and 4th grade teacher). I have been losing weight and have also been excercising regularly thanks to my new job (I walk at least half an hour, sometimes 45 mins every day from M-F).

Here's hoping it's not just a fluke, and that my cycles are finally back to normal...

Disclosure

One of the women in the blogs that I follow just decided to "come out" (i.e. start full identity disclosure on her blog)... This got me thinking about why I don't do the same... And I guess it's a good time to explain myself, in case anyone is wondering...

Initially, it was because my family didn't know I was going to start TTC. I didn't want them to know, at all, until I was well into pregnancy, lest their opinions (which I was sure wouldn't be positive) affect my emotional state during my early months (which I've heard is very important health-wise for fetuses).

Later, when I realized I wasn't going to have an easy time getting pregnant, and I decided to start telling family, I decided since my identity was already anonymous I may as well use it ocassionally to vent about my work. I figured since I already had the blog, may as well use it, and it was important to me to remain anonymous since I didn't want to get "dooced".

All of my family and friends already knew about me being gay, and me trying to get pregnant, so now it was about my work not finding out I was being "pissy".

Full disclosure? I used to work for a company called TeleTech, a "call center", so to speak, and they're generally very good, I just had really big asses as bosses, yet they shall remain unnamed to protect the poor souls that still work there!

Now, now it's a pain... I moved in order to be closer to family and to see if I could find a job outside the corporate environment, since it had become a stress factor and very toxic for my health. I moved to a very small town closer to my hometown, and got a job as an English Teacher at a private Jesuit school.

So far as I know, they don't know I'm gay, a fact that I'm sure they'd find very disturbing and which may lead me not to get a contract renewal. Here in Mexico it's still something you don't talk about, something said in hushed, whispered conversations, usually in a critical and judgemental manner. More so in an environment where, although the school staff might not mind it, there are some VERY conservative parents who might not agree with it, and who might cause me to lose my job. Of course, the school couldn't directly attribute it to that, but if my classroom were to lose half its student body, they might claim I'm an unfit or incompetent teacher and that it was the academical level which caused me to lose that many students. There are always ways around the reasons they use to fire you.

So anyway, I just wanted to explain why I choose to remain anonymous in such a public (yet private) media. However, if anyone wishes to know who I really am, I'd be more than glad to share more with anybody on a case-by-case basis! :)

Shocked...

Got home today to find out that Brittany Murphy has died. She was only 8 days older than me, for crying out loud...

She was so talented, she made many of us laugh and cry, and now she won't be able to ever again. These kinds of deaths shock me so much because they make me think about how none of us can definitely say we have more time to do stuff, so we should make the most of our lives while we still have them.

These types of events make me realize how much I haven't accomplished yet (like having a kid, something she will now never be able to do, despite mentioning just a few days ago that she wanted to try for one this coming year) and that I better hurry up and do them before it's too late.

Because none of us know how much longer we will be here. We may think we have our whole lives ahead of us, but we really don't. The only things we have for sure are the here and the now...

Left-hand side this time...

Ok so now I have a twinge on the left side this time. I'm sorry if everyone is like "What? We waited for a post to read THIS? What do -I- care?"

But I could find no other place where I could document something like this where it wouldn't be lost and I could access it anytime, anywhere pretty much...

So I was in Tucson a couple of weeks ago. I was there for 3 weeks almost. I was visiting my sister C, whom I love dearly. I hadn't seen her in about 4 years being that she lives in the US and I in Mexico, so I learned while staying with her that she had gone as organic and natural as she possibly could (Bear with me, this is going somewhere).

While I was there, I started spotting. It lasted a little over a week, then I got my period. A heavy period, the likes of which I hadn't seen in a while. I started getting concerned when after a week, it still hadn't stopped. My sister said to let my body be, that it would work itself out. I decided to listen to her since apparently she has PCOS as well so she knows a little of where I'm coming from, and she has a GORGEOUS 5 yr old, S, and who was born AFTER her diagnosis, so I tend to think she knows what she's talking about. She basically said I should give my body a chance to work itself out unless it got serious enough to require medical intervention. Being that I trust her, and I don't have insurance in the US so I couldn't afford to see a doctor in the USA, I gave it a try...

Lo and behold, a few days after that my period stopped on its own. No hormones, no medicines, nothing, just stopped by itself.

And now this twinge on my left side, when last month it was the right. And at just about the right time. Ok, so maybe a little messed up, but it's in the approximate time period based on when my period ended. I know that's not the right way to calculate it, but let me assume this will be an extra-long cycle, ok? LOL

So anyway. Maybe all of this, me getting fired, going to visit my sister, her having gone through the same thing, giving me advice, being unable to do anything but follow it, and then having it work out as it should, maybe this was all a Godsend. Maybe I got fired because I was SUPPOSED to visit my sister, SUPPOSED to get her advice, SUPPOSED to be unable to go to a doc so I had to follow it, SUPPOSED to now get this twinge... Maybe it was all God's doing... And my body is finally getting back on track thanks to me following nature's, God's will...

Maybe...

To anyone who still reads this blog...

I dont think I´ve experienced this before... How does ovulation feel like? Does it feel like you might have pulled a muscle, but not as strong? I am getting this pain right on top of my pubic bone toward the side... Like... Maybe 3 inches to the right of my belly button...

I hate not knowing what´s up with my body...

Fired...

But I think it might be the best thing that´s ever happened to me! Maybe this truly is a blessing in disguise...

1st week

Well, I got through the first week. I think I met all the goals they set for me except not staying overtime. I had to stay a couple of extra hours a few days, but I finished EVERYTHING and I don´t have to make up anything this weekend.

Hopefully they´ll see that as the true progress it is, and recognize it.

I´m keeping my fingers crossed

I think I´m getting fired...

Yeah. I don´t even know what to say.

I just got notice at my work that I "have been below standard". Apparently, they don´t like me working extra hours to meet my goals despite the fact that I´M NOT GETTING PAID FOR THEM.

Also, they say I´m not positive and don´t make any proposals for improvement. Well, in the same notice I listed 7 different proposals and actions I´ve taken in the past 2 weeks, so that was shot down...

The "positivity"... Granted, I used to have a terrible attitude, but I think this is more a case of having earned a reputation and being unable to shake it off... I used to be really really bad, negative as hell, but I´ve worked VERY hard on improving it, and I have. Everyone´s commented on it, all the feedbacks I´ve received have made an emphasis on that.

So what is happening? Well, it´s one of those cases where you make certain people look bad and they take any opportunity they can get to get back at you. I´ve been meeting all my goals and have even received awards these past 6 months marking that I´ve been a good employee.

I just don´t know what to do. With Mexican law being how it is, I don´t know if I´ve got a leg to stand on...

I´m going to do everything I can to get through this, try to meet any expectations they have, make absolutely no waves and bust my ass so that I don´t have to work overtime anymore... But honestly?

I´ve never met anyone that´s survived an "Improvement plan" in my company... And that´s very discouraging...

Post coming

I know I´ve been MIA for about 6 months, but I´ve had too many things to deal with at home, work, healthwise and with family, and it´s just been too exhausting to even THINK about posting. I´ve been bad, I know. I promise I will post soon explaining why I´ve been gone so long and what the heck has been happening with my life.

Pinky promise.

Father, it's been two months...

since my last blog entry (well, near enough to two months)...

I feel terrible. Guilty as heck for not having blogged. But a lot has been going on, which I will go on to tell you all about...

At the end of November I finally dragged my ass off to a private Ob/gyn (as you might have figured out from my last post). Definitely not pregnant. Turns out I had a couple of cysts. He figures I have PCOS. He had me run an ovarian profile (at least that's what they call it here). It didn't include testosterone or thyroid tests, but I had them run them as well. Everything looks strangely within parameters, except for my LH/FSH ratio. They're both low (as they should be at CD3) but well within parameters. What I'm worried about is that my FSH is like 4 times higher than my LH. Granted, they're both so low the difference is not really noticeable, but I thought they were supposed to be 1:1. My LH is something like 1.5 and my FSH is at like 6... Any thoughts? On the bright side, since getting that shot to make me get my period, I think I'm finally getting more regular. Granted, my period was a week late, but it sure beats 3 months!

In other news, I started dating/stopped dating someone in the matter of 1 week. She cut me off, said she wasn't ready to date anyone because she still had issues dragging her down from previous relationships. Problem is, I really like her. Totally do. She lives nearby and has come and visit several times, and we get along totally great. Problem is, she is totally against having anything with anyone right now, but still treats me like a girlfriend... Which is confusing.

But anyway. I've been somewhat depressed lately. I think it's a mixture of my biological clock ticking, the frustration of feeling my life is going nowhere, stress over debts and everything else in my life right now.

I guess I haven't written mainly because of being depressed. I dunno. Things in my life just seem to be sort of spiraling out of control. I've tried taking some control at least in the health aspect, by going on a diet. I'm concentrating on staying off carbs (which is what makes the IR bad) and I feel like I've been losing some weight. That is sort of encouraging, because I feel that my period is getting on track because of it. I'm having somewhat of a hard time managing the diet, because I crave carbs all the time, so I'm considering going on Met. Anyone have any pros/cons to throw my way?

I think I'll cut this short for now... My mind really isn't on it, but thanks for checking in!

Dying inside...

Just came back from the ob/gyn.

Definitely not pregnant.

PCOS suspected. As well as Hashimoto's. Along with a Prolactin imbalance, still to be determined if ovarian or tumor caused.

I don't have much else to say.

Heartbroken, but relieved to at last know something for certain, I guess.

Sad. Interminably sad...

WTF...

Ok I've had it with all my cycle irregularities and shyte. I am baffled, confused, and I'm beginning to suspect I have a psychological pregnancy on my hands.

Why? -You ask- Well, let me make a list...

(Aside from the fact that all my urine tests have been negative, and no, I haven't had a blood test done because the stupid doctor at the government clinic said it wasn't necessary)

1. Yesterday I felt flutterings right underneath my belly button. And a soft poking, as if someone was sliding a fingertip through my insides. And bumping. Soft bumping.
2. I have a very weird discharge these days, very thick and gooey. Like egg white. But like COLD eggwhite (thicker). And it's usually tinged with brown, pink or sometimes, very little red. I looked for images as to what it could be and it looks disturbingly like a mucous plug.
3. I have nipple discharge!!! And no, I haven't been overly handling my breasts. Only enough to wrangle on a bra each morning and take it off at night. I don't even do monthly breast exams. My doc takes care of that every year or so (yeah, don't even get on my case about this one...)
Which brings me to my next point
4. Bigger boobs. I noticed it the other day. Like. Maybe a week ago.
5. I feel as if I'm wearing a tight suit. My clothes keep fitting the same, but I feel as if my body is expanding underneath my skin, all in my tummy area. You can't really tell anything though because of the fat on me already (I'm very overweight).

So there you have it. Either I'm pregnant or I'm certifiably bonkers. Either way, I guess I'll find out by mid december when I can afford to go to a private doctor, because I am NOT going back to the government run clinic after the last fiasco. Wish me luck, and that I'm not dragged off to the looney bin.

Spotting again... Rant

Ok, so after feeling like a blown-up balloon for a couple of days, I got some very uncomfortable cramps. After that, I started spotting. And spotting. And it's been 2 days just spotting.

I really hope this doesn't turn out like last month where I spotted for 20 days before finally getting AF, because it's really gonna throw everything off. I had hoped to be able to insem by my birthday or close to it (November 18) but now I'm not sure I'll be able to. I really hate this up and down I'm going through with my cycle, I just can't seem to get anything right lately.

I have been thinking a lot about stuff, and all that goes into my head are the "what if"s. If only I had thrown my fears to the wind and tried to get pregnant sooner. If only I hadn't concentrated on being with someone before I tried to get pregnant. If only...

I know that concentrating on things I could have done differently changes nothing and only gets me sad, but I really can't help it lately. I want to become a mom so bad it hurts, and it's practically the only thing I can think about.

It just gets me so frustrated sometimes. I really feel for everyone that wants to get pregnant, but sometimes I read about women who already have children, and who feel sorry for themselves because they can't have a 5th or a 6th, and it hurts so bad, because they're already blessed! And I can't even have that... I wish I was one of those complaining about how I can't have a 2nd, 3rd or 4th child. I'm not saying their pain isn't real... But it certainly can't compare to those of us who haven't even been able to become mothers once.

I guess I should shut up now before I say something else that is gonna push my foot so far into my mouth I can't ever get it out. I'm just bitter today.

I am sooo happy!

My period is finally over! No 22-day period like in January! Yay for me!

I cannot express how happy I am. I finally stopped bleeding after 10 or so days on Tuesday, and I'm delighted! I don't know if it's psychological or actually something physical or both, but I feel healthier, with more energy and not gloomy! Lately I had been feeling sort of depressed but I didn't know if it was hormones, just the blues or a mixture of both. Now, however, I feel wonderful!

I am so glad things are looking up. Now I just hope that things stay that way and that my next period comes in 20 days or so, and I will be happy as a clam!

Aren't I using load and loads of exclamation marks? As Dooce would say, my use of them just left someone exclamation mark-less. But I don't care! I am happy!!!

Please still keep me in your thoughts and send good vibes my way, I still need them.

But I'm happy! :D