Shocked...

Got home today to find out that Brittany Murphy has died. She was only 8 days older than me, for crying out loud...

She was so talented, she made many of us laugh and cry, and now she won't be able to ever again. These kinds of deaths shock me so much because they make me think about how none of us can definitely say we have more time to do stuff, so we should make the most of our lives while we still have them.

These types of events make me realize how much I haven't accomplished yet (like having a kid, something she will now never be able to do, despite mentioning just a few days ago that she wanted to try for one this coming year) and that I better hurry up and do them before it's too late.

Because none of us know how much longer we will be here. We may think we have our whole lives ahead of us, but we really don't. The only things we have for sure are the here and the now...

I'm out...

AF started semi-normally today. I'm bummed, to say the least.

I just hope I get a regular AF today and that I can try this cycle. And maybe... Just maybe... This one will stick?

Keeping my fingers crossed.

CD19

And still no positive OPK. I know I'm testing right (holding urine for at least 4 hrs, not drinking any liquids beforehand) and I've been testing since CD8, so I know I can't have surged yet. Plus, FF hasn't detected ovulation yet, so I'm pretty sure it hasn't happened.

Has anyone had really late ovulation? My cycles are usually regular (with the exception of that AF episode back in January) and they last 30-31 days. I have been thinking maybe I have been stressing too much over getting a positive, but it could also be that I took estrogen during CD2-CD12. Does anyone know anything about this?

I could really use any help whatsoever. At all. Please.

Should I keep testing? I'm afraid I won't even get AF since I should have O'd by now. I'm starting to wonder if I -WILL- O, and if I have O'd at all for the past few months (years?).

I'm just starting to get really antsy. Help.

My chart is this one, please tell me what you think:

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/erikagm

Numb

Lately, that's how I've been feeling. Numb. After the heart breaking 3 days I had after having my last baby dream where I SWEAR I almost ran out the door to beg someone, ANYONE for sperm, I've sort of started running on automatic mode.

I dunno. Maybe it's one of my mood swings, and maybe it's a signal of depression. I don't know anymore. Not even sure if I care, really, because maybe being numb is better than feeling all the uncertainty and want and need and pain that surrounds my life right now.

I wish I had a clear path of what my life is going to be like, but I'm not even sure I have that anymore. I wish I had the financial freedom to be able to say "the hell with everything" and just get pregnant and not rely on anyone else, but the truth is, I won't be able to make it without my partner, and she's not all that economically stable either. Hell, she lives off unemployment. (Which she gets in dollars since she's a US citizen... And dollars go a long way in Mexico)

I'm too confused right now to try to make sense out of anything. Too dazed. Like the title of that 90's movie (but definitely not its theme). I wish I could just send consequences to the wind and be daring and say "I'll make it myself somehow" and go for it, regardless of my situation, but in reality I'm too much of a coward, and I've sworn for ages that I wouldn't put any child of mine in a situation where his/her needs would go by unmet. And I'm afraid they will if I just leave destiny up to, well... Destiny.

Too many questions going round my head. Too many options. Too many answers. Don't want to think right now, just want to sleep.

I guess I -am- depressed.