Numb

Lately, that's how I've been feeling. Numb. After the heart breaking 3 days I had after having my last baby dream where I SWEAR I almost ran out the door to beg someone, ANYONE for sperm, I've sort of started running on automatic mode.

I dunno. Maybe it's one of my mood swings, and maybe it's a signal of depression. I don't know anymore. Not even sure if I care, really, because maybe being numb is better than feeling all the uncertainty and want and need and pain that surrounds my life right now.

I wish I had a clear path of what my life is going to be like, but I'm not even sure I have that anymore. I wish I had the financial freedom to be able to say "the hell with everything" and just get pregnant and not rely on anyone else, but the truth is, I won't be able to make it without my partner, and she's not all that economically stable either. Hell, she lives off unemployment. (Which she gets in dollars since she's a US citizen... And dollars go a long way in Mexico)

I'm too confused right now to try to make sense out of anything. Too dazed. Like the title of that 90's movie (but definitely not its theme). I wish I could just send consequences to the wind and be daring and say "I'll make it myself somehow" and go for it, regardless of my situation, but in reality I'm too much of a coward, and I've sworn for ages that I wouldn't put any child of mine in a situation where his/her needs would go by unmet. And I'm afraid they will if I just leave destiny up to, well... Destiny.

Too many questions going round my head. Too many options. Too many answers. Don't want to think right now, just want to sleep.

I guess I -am- depressed.

Sick as a dog

Okay so I haven't been posting as I should because I've had about 3 times as much work as I should (which means I logged a 65 hr week last week) and since Saturday, I've been ill. Very literally so, I'm afraid.

It all started Saturday morning. I woke up feeling refreshed, if a tad annoyed at having to go to work. It was a really pretty morning, and I'd much rather have stayed in bed if I could. But, Alas! I had to get up, so I sat on the bed and suddenly felt as if I'd just stopped spinning round and round. I was so dizzy it felt as if I'd just drank about a whole bottle of whisky. Luckily, it only brought mild nausea, so it was bearable, but this sudden feeling of the world spinning all around me was definitely not nice, and it repeated itself each time I moved.

Initially I figured that I might be anemic since I'd had that lovely 3 week menstrual period in January and that I was just feeling its aftermath since I hadn't been eating too well. I started taking iron orally on Sunday. I felt a bit better.

Then yesterday afternoon, I started feeling very ill again. Then I started thinking I might have a middle ear inflammation or infection and that I might need medicine, so today I went to the infirmary at work, and saw the nurse. She said I had very irritated inner ears, and gave me some drops and a pill to cure the dizzyness. I felt almost immediately better, so I went out for breakfast with my co-workers. I had OJ and some pozole. As soon as I got up from the table, however, I felt really dizzy again. I went back to the nurse as soon as we got back to work, and the Doctor was now there. I spoke to him, and he told me I probably had labyrinthitis (sp?) and that I should go to the hospital. He gave me a pass.

I went to the hospital and was told I had high BP, probably had high blood sugar and I might also have issues with my cholesterol levels.

I was given a request for a blood test for anemia and glucose and then sent to the ER, given a BP pill, given a shot of god-knows-what, got my finger pricked and tested for sugar levels and told to "sit". I suddenly felt like a dog... (My blood sugar was normal though)

After about an hour, I was told my BP was normal again, and that I should go. However, I stood up and felt immediately dizzy. I told this to the nurse, who spoke to a doctor who I'm sure was not even done with school yet as she looked around 20, who told me to "walk it off". I did, and felt a little better, although not completely rid of the dizzyness. I decided to drop it, and came home.

I have had dizzyness all afternoon. I notice that I'm especially dizzy after I eat, so now I'm back to being afraid I might have diabetes. Especially since I've been very thirsty and pee like a horse.

And no, I can't possibly be pregnant unless that old story from over 2000 years ago was repeated in me, a modern-day lesbian. Can you imagine what the church would say if the holy spirit suddenly possessed me? I'm laughing inside as I think about it. But I digress.

I'm really really hoping that it's because of some ear thingy, but I'm really starting to fear it's diabetes. But then I feel it might be the ear thing since it's mostly only when I shift the position of my head.

I'm scared. Please send good vibes for tomorrow's tests.