Dying inside...

Just came back from the ob/gyn.

Definitely not pregnant.

PCOS suspected. As well as Hashimoto's. Along with a Prolactin imbalance, still to be determined if ovarian or tumor caused.

I don't have much else to say.

Heartbroken, but relieved to at last know something for certain, I guess.

Sad. Interminably sad...

WTF...

Ok I've had it with all my cycle irregularities and shyte. I am baffled, confused, and I'm beginning to suspect I have a psychological pregnancy on my hands.

Why? -You ask- Well, let me make a list...

(Aside from the fact that all my urine tests have been negative, and no, I haven't had a blood test done because the stupid doctor at the government clinic said it wasn't necessary)

1. Yesterday I felt flutterings right underneath my belly button. And a soft poking, as if someone was sliding a fingertip through my insides. And bumping. Soft bumping.
2. I have a very weird discharge these days, very thick and gooey. Like egg white. But like COLD eggwhite (thicker). And it's usually tinged with brown, pink or sometimes, very little red. I looked for images as to what it could be and it looks disturbingly like a mucous plug.
3. I have nipple discharge!!! And no, I haven't been overly handling my breasts. Only enough to wrangle on a bra each morning and take it off at night. I don't even do monthly breast exams. My doc takes care of that every year or so (yeah, don't even get on my case about this one...)
Which brings me to my next point
4. Bigger boobs. I noticed it the other day. Like. Maybe a week ago.
5. I feel as if I'm wearing a tight suit. My clothes keep fitting the same, but I feel as if my body is expanding underneath my skin, all in my tummy area. You can't really tell anything though because of the fat on me already (I'm very overweight).

So there you have it. Either I'm pregnant or I'm certifiably bonkers. Either way, I guess I'll find out by mid december when I can afford to go to a private doctor, because I am NOT going back to the government run clinic after the last fiasco. Wish me luck, and that I'm not dragged off to the looney bin.

Spotting again... Rant

Ok, so after feeling like a blown-up balloon for a couple of days, I got some very uncomfortable cramps. After that, I started spotting. And spotting. And it's been 2 days just spotting.

I really hope this doesn't turn out like last month where I spotted for 20 days before finally getting AF, because it's really gonna throw everything off. I had hoped to be able to insem by my birthday or close to it (November 18) but now I'm not sure I'll be able to. I really hate this up and down I'm going through with my cycle, I just can't seem to get anything right lately.

I have been thinking a lot about stuff, and all that goes into my head are the "what if"s. If only I had thrown my fears to the wind and tried to get pregnant sooner. If only I hadn't concentrated on being with someone before I tried to get pregnant. If only...

I know that concentrating on things I could have done differently changes nothing and only gets me sad, but I really can't help it lately. I want to become a mom so bad it hurts, and it's practically the only thing I can think about.

It just gets me so frustrated sometimes. I really feel for everyone that wants to get pregnant, but sometimes I read about women who already have children, and who feel sorry for themselves because they can't have a 5th or a 6th, and it hurts so bad, because they're already blessed! And I can't even have that... I wish I was one of those complaining about how I can't have a 2nd, 3rd or 4th child. I'm not saying their pain isn't real... But it certainly can't compare to those of us who haven't even been able to become mothers once.

I guess I should shut up now before I say something else that is gonna push my foot so far into my mouth I can't ever get it out. I'm just bitter today.