Here's my ticker!

Saturday, March 29, 2008

I am getting QUITE desperate...

Ok, so lately my biological clock has been ticking like MAD. And I mean MAD folks. I have been having dreams of being pregnant, of having a child, and even of doing the unspeakable: having s.ex with a guy in order to become pregnant (not that I ever would... eewww) No offense to all the hetero girls out there, but it's just NOT for me!

But really, I have become very emotional about it, feeling as if I -should- have a child by now and becoming more and more desperate after each damn dream...

I feel as if my chance of becoming a mother is slipping between my fingers, as if with each cycle that goes by, my chance of becoming a mother decreases (I know that's reality, but in my head it's becoming a life-or-death situation, when in reality it's not and I probably have a good 7 years before I actually have to start worrying)

I feel like Marissa T.omei in My Cousin V.innie, when she says "My biological clock is TICKING-LIKE-THIS!" (stomping foot to the rhythm of the last 3 words)

Has this ever happened to anyone else? Am I the only nutcase?

I wish I had the answers...

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The Idiot Box

I was raised as a kid with open and free access to the Idiot Box. Oh yeah. I could watch it when and as much as I wanted to.

When I was living with my grandmother as a baby/toddler, since I was like 3, special emphasis had been placed on reading, I did not stay glued to the TV all day long. I would rather spend my evenings playing with the few children in the neighborhood (I was living with my grandma at the time, and most people around were her age, the few kids around were grandkids or the children of the live-in maids), playing with Lego Blocks, running around her backyard or READING. Never mind that it was comic books (Archie, Mickey Mouse, Little Lulu, Pink Panther), I still READ. I much preferred it to TV. And love of reading lives in me to this day, and I read a LOT. When my parents were footing the bill in my teens, it was up to 10 books a month. I would DEVOUR books.

Yes, I had a special place in my heart for cartoons (what kid doesn't like colorful things) and loved loved LOVED Felix The Cat, but that was about it.

When I went to live with my parents, books were initially few and far between. I would steal my mother's magazines and her small picture novels and read. The rest of the time I spent glued to the TV. I had no backyard and no friends where my parents lived. It wasn't until much later my parents figured out I loved books so much, and started purchasing age-appropriate ones for me. Until then I'd been reading my textbooks over and over. I just fell back into my love of books.

I was around 8 when I first met my mom's cousin and her kids. We lived in Mexico, they in the States. They were not allowed to eat anything containing refined sugar or to watch TV.

Now, aside from thinking their parents were evil for not letting them enjoy sugary stuff and not letting them watch cartoons (my favorite at the time was Felix The Cat... It was early 80's), I did not feel disconnected with them at all. We still found plenty of other things to talk about. They, however, felt they were being cruelly and unusually punished. They longed for what they couldn't have and were envious of me. They told me so. I sneaked them a little TV (Their mom was a real nut, and had she found out, she would've punished them). We lost contact with them due to the distance and the death of the older relatives, but I heard from my aunt (who lived in the USA and had lots more contact) that they'd rebelled as teenagers and became sort of like little nutcases before settling back down.

***DISCLAIMER*** These kids were the only ones I ever met who didn't watch TV while growing up, and while they may have had very difficult teens, they ended up being fine and their teen troubles may have been totally unrelated to not watching TV. I also know that many many many of the children I grew up with that watched TV not only had ugly teens, they also ended up having very very bad lives in general.

So, basically what I'm trying to say is... It all comes down to education. If a kid is taught early on to love other things DESPITE the TV being present, they will continue to love those other things more regardless of having access to a TV or not. And they won't be resentful.

As for myself, The love of books lives with me to this day. Even having a TV and zillions of DVDs doesn't change the fact that I'd much rather be reading than watching TV. Sure, I enjoy shows like B.ones and H.ouse and G.host whisperer, but only because they feed into interests created in me through BOOKS (I love the Scarpetta novels by P. Cornwell and all of R.obin Cook's books, as well as any ghost/mystery/horror novels you push my way).

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Polly Harvey, ahora te escribo a ti. A menos que de plano sea ciega, no encuentro tu email en ningun lado por tu perfil. Ve a mi perfil y metete a mi pagina web, ahi tengo un icono de unos perritos corriendo que dan link a mi email... Escribeme!

Monday, March 24, 2008

Wishes

Ok...

So...

Well...

I can't really believe it...

My wish was met!!!

I am not dizzy anymore. Yep people, I am not dizzy anymore...

But as they say, every silver lining has its cloud...

I've got a cold now.

Hey, it's better than being dizzy all the time, so I'm not really complaining.

As a side note, on my last post, someone by the nick of Polly Harvey left me a note (in spanish) and she totally knows who I am!!! Sadly, I can't remember her at all although she claims we wrote each other through email and has nice memories of me... So... I'm going to ask her to post again, and gimme a clue as to who she is! I've been to her blog and checked out her profile, but Alas! There is no way to post there and no way to contact her at all. So, Polly Harvey, whoever you are, please let me know how to reach you so we can get in touch again.

P.S.- Your nick made me look up the artist by the same name, and I've listened to some of her music. I have to admit... I'm hooked.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Not my trimester...

So I've been doing some adding up, and it seems 2008 is -definitely- not going to be my year.

To summarize quickly what's been happening

January:
Had the 22-day period, complete with cancer scare that caused me to empty my savings account for the WHOLE YEAR since I decided to go the private medicine route.

February:
Had a weird throat thingie that caused me to be aphonic for 3 days.

March:
-Got vertigo from God-knows where. Had to take a 3 day -unpaid- MLA from work.
-Had the cupboard fall on my head.
-Discovered my DSL modem/router had died. Got hung up on twice by the internet people and when I finally got through to someoneone, got put on hold for over 10 mins whilst I was becoming -really- late for my doctor's appointment, a big no-no in our public medicine system.
-Decided to hang up on said CSR from internet company and went directly to their offices to have modem exchanged, which apparently happened without a hitch. Until I get home and discover said modem came -without- an AC adapter and since good thursday, friday and easter-or-whatever weekend (not a religious person here) is coming up, the internet company's offices will be closed until monday.
-Fought with a CSR who kept treating me like an uneducated moron whilst explaining to her that I would -not- be paying for service I did not have, thanks to them, and demanding credit for the days I would be without such said service.

To give this trimester some credit, I do have to add:
Today a wonderful repairman from the internet company came by, and offered to leave with me an AC adapter until monday when I can go to the internet company's offices and demand my own adapter from them. Hence I have internet access again, and all is right with the world.

(Well, not really, but it does feel a lot better. Now if only the dizzyness would go away...)

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Jinx...

Ok, I swear, I must have a hex on me or something...

Today, after having my dose of c.innarizine doubled, I can finally say I'm dizzy-free. Apparently it's some weird inner ear problem since it was not anemia, high or low BP, diabetes or cholesterol related.

It is a relief to know that, but just when everything seemed to be going well...

The kitchen cupboard falls on my head.

I swear, I am NOT making this up. I went to grab something from the cupboard and I noticed that my cleaning lady had left this weird little thing I have that is comprised of a spring-loaded upright pole and 2 shelves resting on the outer edge of the cupboard instead of the inner edge, and so I decided to move it back to its proper place. Shouldn'tvedonethat.

The whole damn cupboard came swooping upon me, and now I have a bump the size of half an egg on top of my head. I've been keeping myself awake for about 2 hours now, afraid of a concussion. Thankfully I had a nap in the afternoon and won't want to kill myself from tiredness tomorrow.

You got a curandero handy? I could really use a limpia right about now...

*Curandero is sort of a medicine man, and a limpia is a ritual they perform in order to supposedly drive evil spirits and negative influences away, such as bad luck or illnesses... And yeah, I really feel like I need one right now.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Ring, ring...

Ok so the tinnitus (aka ringing in my ears) has apparently gotten louder from yday to today and is no longer only audible while I am in a quiet room. I can now hear it over the sound of the TV and other loud noises (not that I listen to TV too loud, I don't really like overly loud noises).

So what's up? I dunno if the tinnitus has gotten worse or I've just become more self-conscious and tuned-in toward it that I can now listen to it all day long.

I am so sick of being sick! And not knowing what the heck is wrong with me!

If anyone has any words of advice, I'd be glad to hear them.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Update

Ok, so after having gone to the doctor 3 days in a row at the godawful hour of 6 AM!!! in the freaking morning just to secure an appointment for the day (social-security-run clinics don't make appointments, it's a first come-first serve -and we won't serve you if we run out of slots which is usually by 7 am- basis), I have had it narrowed down to 2 possibilities:

Ear somethingy
Cholesterol level.

Thankfully, diabetes, high BP and anemia have been discarded.

Now, these 3 days my general practitioner kept asking me about tinnitus, and I just kept saying I didn't have it, because I thought I didn't... But then, I -do- have this really low ringing in my ears ALL THE TIME, but I've ALWAYS had it, it didn't start now, and I can only listen to it when I'm in a quiet room, so now I don't know if it is in fact tinnitus or just something everyone experiences.

Help.

I have to go to consult again on tuesday, and I'd really appreciate it if someone let me know if this constant and relatively quiet ringing in my ears is normal or if it should be considered tinnitus, especially if I've had it for as long as I can remember.

Again, please send good thoughts my way.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Sick as a dog

Okay so I haven't been posting as I should because I've had about 3 times as much work as I should (which means I logged a 65 hr week last week) and since Saturday, I've been ill. Very literally so, I'm afraid.

It all started Saturday morning. I woke up feeling refreshed, if a tad annoyed at having to go to work. It was a really pretty morning, and I'd much rather have stayed in bed if I could. But, Alas! I had to get up, so I sat on the bed and suddenly felt as if I'd just stopped spinning round and round. I was so dizzy it felt as if I'd just drank about a whole bottle of whisky. Luckily, it only brought mild nausea, so it was bearable, but this sudden feeling of the world spinning all around me was definitely not nice, and it repeated itself each time I moved.

Initially I figured that I might be anemic since I'd had that lovely 3 week menstrual period in January and that I was just feeling its aftermath since I hadn't been eating too well. I started taking iron orally on Sunday. I felt a bit better.

Then yesterday afternoon, I started feeling very ill again. Then I started thinking I might have a middle ear inflammation or infection and that I might need medicine, so today I went to the infirmary at work, and saw the nurse. She said I had very irritated inner ears, and gave me some drops and a pill to cure the dizzyness. I felt almost immediately better, so I went out for breakfast with my co-workers. I had OJ and some pozole. As soon as I got up from the table, however, I felt really dizzy again. I went back to the nurse as soon as we got back to work, and the Doctor was now there. I spoke to him, and he told me I probably had labyrinthitis (sp?) and that I should go to the hospital. He gave me a pass.

I went to the hospital and was told I had high BP, probably had high blood sugar and I might also have issues with my cholesterol levels.

I was given a request for a blood test for anemia and glucose and then sent to the ER, given a BP pill, given a shot of god-knows-what, got my finger pricked and tested for sugar levels and told to "sit". I suddenly felt like a dog... (My blood sugar was normal though)

After about an hour, I was told my BP was normal again, and that I should go. However, I stood up and felt immediately dizzy. I told this to the nurse, who spoke to a doctor who I'm sure was not even done with school yet as she looked around 20, who told me to "walk it off". I did, and felt a little better, although not completely rid of the dizzyness. I decided to drop it, and came home.

I have had dizzyness all afternoon. I notice that I'm especially dizzy after I eat, so now I'm back to being afraid I might have diabetes. Especially since I've been very thirsty and pee like a horse.

And no, I can't possibly be pregnant unless that old story from over 2000 years ago was repeated in me, a modern-day lesbian. Can you imagine what the church would say if the holy spirit suddenly possessed me? I'm laughing inside as I think about it. But I digress.

I'm really really hoping that it's because of some ear thingy, but I'm really starting to fear it's diabetes. But then I feel it might be the ear thing since it's mostly only when I shift the position of my head.

I'm scared. Please send good vibes for tomorrow's tests.

Friday, March 7, 2008

The big green ugly monster

Today I got a visitor. It is a nasty one, at that. It's called envy.

Out of the blue, today, I just got really envious of my 2 direct female co-workers... Why? They're both pregnant.

They're both younger than me, at 26 and 24, the 26 year old already having a 4 year old son.

I'm 30, and I'm not even close to having a child.

I'm really really jealous, and it does not feel nice.

I'm glad for both of them, really, because the 24 yr old thought she might be sterile because of hormonal issues, and the 26 yr old had a spontaneous abortion about 4 months ago, so I'm really glad for her especially because she was devastated when she lost that baby.

But im still jealous.

I've known for as long as I can remember that I wanted to be a mom someday, but that day doesn't seem even close. I don't feel stable enough emotionally or economically to have a child. A lot of moms have told me that one never feels ready enough, and that when you have a child, things just fall into place, but I'm afraid. I had a mental image of where I would be at with my life when I had a child, and I'm finding it hard to let go of that ideal...

So... Anyone have any suggestions? Comments? Words of encouragement? Has anyone felt not ready but decided to take the plunge anyway and had it work out for the best? Has anyone done it and wished they'd waited? (not saying you regret having kids, just wished you'd held off longer)

Please, any comments will be highly appreciated.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

I'm baaaack

Well, after a few (well, ok maybe more than a few) days completely off line because my NB was acting up, I scooted my butt back and started reading blogs again.

One of the blogs on my bloglist had a topic about struggling to get their youngest (a boy) to give up his beloved paci. This brought back many memories, since I was the one ultimately responsible for getting my little brother (the youngest of 2 girls and a boy - sound similar?) to give up his beloved Titi Asada (pronounced tee-tee assada).

Now, let me just back up a bit, since you're probably already wondering what the heck I'm talking about.

Let me take you back around 20 years.

I was about 10 at the time, my brother then being 4. Ever since he was a baby, he had had these little pillows he called Titi Asada. Now, if you think about it, a rough translation of that into english would be Grilled Breast, but thankfully that's not what it actually meant. My brother had this weird baby speak, kind of like twin speak, that only I could understand. Not even my sister (closer in age to him) could translate for him. I was the priviledged one. However, when my mother (or anyone else) had finally become curious enough to ask what it actually meant and figured my brother was finally old enough to be able to explain it, he had dropped out of baby speak and didn't know how to do it except repeat the name over and over again. Alas, I had never asked him myself (not being curious about it).

Anyway, so this pillow was quite the thing for him. He was a thumb-sucker (as all 3 of us were until a certain age... I sucked my thumb until shortly before the removal actually happened, and this only because I switched schools in the 6th grade), but he could live without the thumb. Not so for the Titi. If my mother ever needed to wash the thing, and this only happened on a strict NEED-TO basis (i.e. The thing could stand up on its own due to accumulated dirt and gross stuff), she had to either wait until he was deeply asleep (and this kid NEVER took naps), which meant a washing machine cycle at around midnight, or to have my brother fret over the fate of his beloved while standing right next to the washing machine waiting nervously until it was safely back in his arms.

There was a ritual to go with the thing as well. He would twist one of the corners of it until it was a skinny tentacle-looking thing, and he would hold that end in his right fist, with the tip protruding out the top of his fist where his thumb was. Then, he would simultaneously stick the tip of the Titi inside his right nostril and his thumb into his mouth. The kid was in heaven then.

We never did understand the need to have something stuck up his nose, but considering the fact that everyone who knew him called him Hydra (many headed mythological monster) because of how BAD he was, we were just thankful that it was the tip of a pillow and not something else like, say, a screwdriver, icepick or something to the effect.

Anyway, to the aforementioned event.

My brother did everything with his Titi, from resting his food on top of it to pushing away unwanted things to sleep with it to sit on it, you name it, he did it, so I wasn't surprised when one day he took up using it as a fly-swatter. That is when I had my brilliant idea. You see, my mother had been trying unsuccessfully for almost a year then to get him to drop the damn thing, since it was gross to the eye as well as the stomach :S , but my brother resisted all attempts. And, since it was the only thing that made him marginally manageable, my mother had ceased and desisted.

However, I knew my brother looked up to me and he trusted pretty much anything I threw his way, so one day, after he had knocked dead one of those particularly gruesome huge flies of the green variety that carry larvae inside them, and he was about to stick the Titi back in his nostril and his thumb back in his mouth, I stopped him with a yell.

He was startled of course. Then pissed. He wanted to know what all the ruckus was about.

I told him in my most professional manner (for a 10 year old) that since he had swatted the fly with his Titi, and the fly had had tiny maggots inside it, that the maggots were now lodged inside his Titi. He asked me to wash it to get rid of them, but I told him that that wouldn't do it since it was now "infected" (or term to designate anything no longer usable for its purpose under any means). He then sadly accepted to surrender the Titi, and we both walked it to the trash can, I with my best grossed-out face, and he with the most sad face you could image. After we dropped the Titi in the garbage, he was about to stick his thumb back in his mouth, and I decided to get two birds with one stone. I told him that since he had held his Titi in his hand, that he couldn't suck his thumb anymore, either. When he asked why, I told him it was probably "contaminated" (slightly less than "infected", things were usable after proper decontamination) and that it would take MONTHS to get it clean enough to put back in his mouth. He looked sort of panicked then, but then I reminded him of how much the kids at school teased me about my thumb sucking and how he wouldn't have to go through that, and he was ok again.

He never did miss the Titi after that, and he felt like such a big boy then. Sure, he would still suck his thumb while he was asleep sometimes, but never while awake, and slowly he stopped doing it while asleep too.

And all was good with the world.

I felt so proud. Remind me to tell you about the time I taught my little sister to say estupido when she was around 3. She had a speech impediment and had lots of problems with strong words, so it felt like a total accomplishment to me until my mother very nearly washed my mouth with soap since it was a "bad" word (it means "stupid" in english). Weird. LOL.