Here's my ticker!

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

So, Sh*t hit the fan...

So a couple of weeks ago I finally decided to tell my sister I was pregnant, I figured she'd had enough time to grieve (6-7 months) and I thought she might be happy for me, since I'd been TTC for over 8 years.

I called her up the day before I was scheduled for my anatomy scan, thinking that if all went well and she was happy for me, she'd like to come. Turns out she had to go check on a construction site in another state (she's an architect) and wouldn't be in town. So I broke down and fessed up. She immediately got very cold towards me and said something like "I am happy for you, God bless you and your child. Bye".

So I went on and told her how I was really surprised to have finally conceived since it was my last try (I had decided the monthly heartache was too much) and really wasn't expecting it. She asked me how far along I was, so I told her (13 weeks) and then she asked if our mom and aunt knew, so I answered in the affirmative.

She then proceeded to berate me, saying I never thought about anyone but myself, how I was selfish, how I knew she didn't want anything to do with pregnancies and/or babies and how I had shoved this in her face knowing her grief. She told me to forget I ever had a sister and that I was dead to her, and to never, ever contact her again. I reminded her that she knew I was trying and was fine with me doing so, and that I was surprised at her reaction. She responded that I had reacted in the same way when she told us and that I shouldn't be surprised at her reaction. I reminded her then of how my personal grief had only lasted about 30 mins and then I was fine, and that I had never even suggested that I wanted nothing to do with her, unlike the way she was acting.

This back and forth went on for at least a half hour, after which she hung up on me and then called back just to yell at me some more, then hung up on me again.

I later found out she contacted our mother and aunt and told them they were dead to her as well, since they hadn't shared my news with her before I did, and that they shouldn't ever expect anything from her ever again (not that she'd ever done anything for either anyway). I also later found out that this reaction was only reserved for my mother, my aunt, and myself. The other sister and relatives who also already knew have not been "disowned", but then she needs these people for different reasons.

I have waited patiently for 2 weeks for her to get in touch, to no avail. I am pretty much ready to write her off myself, for various reasons. She had NO sympathy whatsoever for me when she was the one that was pregnant and I was the one suffering, to the extent of telling me (when I asked her if I could be my niece's godmother since it was probably the closest I was going to come to being a mother), that I "wasn't catholic enough". This coming from someone having a baby out of wedlock.

Anyway. I am still sort of torn between being angry at her, being very hurt, very disappointed and just sort of... ok with the whole thing, although that may sound weird. My sister is not the bright, optimistic, loving little girl I remember her to be, and we haven't seen eye to eye since she was around 15. She's changed too much. And I am not sure she'd be a positive influence for my child anyway.

Ok so I guess all this is to ask for opinions. Should I just write her off? Should I keep waiting for her to come around? Should I try to reach out to her later? I am torn as to what to do, and I'd really appreciate some input.

I guess I've vented. I'll end this now, but hopefully you'll give me your 2 cents.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

So, I really need some advice...

You will notice that there is an empty post from Dec. 25 last year, and it's title is "Torn through the middle" or something to that effect.

The post is empty because blogger decided to eat the whole post and I was too emotionally drained to re-write it, but I was basically fuming against the powers that be because my little sister had just announced that she was pregnant. I felt betrayed, sad, useless, as many infertiles will understand.

You may also have noticed my most recent post, with a +HPT.

Now, here's the tricky part of the equation... I am wondering when I should tell my sister that I'm pregnant.


Well, the baby whose pregnancy news tore me apart last year died in utero 2 days before a scheduled c-section this past July. My sister has never been really stable emotionally, and I am worried as to how she will take the news that I am pregnant while she lost the child she should have been celebrating his or her first christmas with.

My sister knew I was trying again before she lost her baby, and she knew that I continued trying...

I have decided to wait at least until after the holidays to tell her, so as not to ruin them for her like it happened to me last year. The question is, how much more after them should I wait? Some people tell me to wait just after the holidays and then tell her, because she will be hurt if I don't (highly likely), but others tell me to wait until I'm about 5-6 months along to tell her, to give her more time to heal.

What do you guys suggest?

Saturday, January 1, 2011


HAPPY NEW YEAR TO EVERYONE!!! May 2011 bring you joy, health, and may all your wishes come true!!!

And to everyone who is still waiting for their little bundle of joy, I hope from the bottom of my heart this is your year. Especially you, Tammy... You deserve it more than anyone I know...

Friday, March 5, 2010

AF Update

Well, despite the fact that my chart may claim otherwise, my AF lasted a whole 12 days. I was starting to fear that it was a repeat of Jan 08, but alas (THANKFULLY!), it was not to be.

I am now wondering if my next AF will come on time (Which is getting pretty close...), but since my last AF was so long, I don't know if I should count the days from the START of my last AF, or count from 3-4 days before it ended (which was my usual AF length before all this shit started).

Anyone have any idea of when I should expect AF? Today I'm on CD26, but since AF was 12 days long, am I really on CD18?

Wednesday, February 10, 2010



If you're not into graphic posts about menstrual flow, STOP READING NOW!!!

Don't say I didn't warn you...

Anyhow, my AF has been all over the place for the past 2 years. First it started going wonky on Nov '07, then I bled for over 25 days in Jan '08 until I went to the doc and got meds, then I was on HRT for 6 months til Jul '08, then I did an insem and it went so wonky that I actually thought I might be pregnant until I finally went to a doc again and he said I had cysts in Dec '08. He gave me a shot and my AF was pretty much normal for the first half of '09 and then it started going crazy again. VERY light, short periods, with a VERY long cycle in between... I thought it was never going to end...

My last AF, in January '10, was again very short, very light, but clearly AF (although I tend to try to convince myself otherwise once it's over). I am torn between hoping for, what to me, is a normal AF, and dreading having a heavy AF and not having it stop like in Jan '08. So yeah, I had a "normal", yet light, AF in Jan, and now, exactly 30 days later (what used to be my regular cycle length before), I have AF again. Apparently, it's nice and heavy... And I may be claiming early victory, but it's looking like it's going to be a normal one. I also have a good feeling (knock on wood) that they're FINALLY getting back to normal. I had a peek at that when I was in Tucson last year, but I'd lost hope that it would actually happen because it went wonky again. I am now thinking it was due to the renewed stress of moving to a new city and starting over after the trip to Tucson, because I have been relaxed as of late (with the exceptions of the stress involved in being a 3rd and 4th grade teacher). I have been losing weight and have also been excercising regularly thanks to my new job (I walk at least half an hour, sometimes 45 mins every day from M-F).

Here's hoping it's not just a fluke, and that my cycles are finally back to normal...