Here's my ticker!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Dying inside...

Just came back from the ob/gyn.

Definitely not pregnant.

PCOS suspected. As well as Hashimoto's. Along with a Prolactin imbalance, still to be determined if ovarian or tumor caused.

I don't have much else to say.

Heartbroken, but relieved to at last know something for certain, I guess.

Sad. Interminably sad...

Saturday, November 22, 2008

WTF...

Ok I've had it with all my cycle irregularities and shyte. I am baffled, confused, and I'm beginning to suspect I have a psychological pregnancy on my hands.

Why? -You ask- Well, let me make a list...

(Aside from the fact that all my urine tests have been negative, and no, I haven't had a blood test done because the stupid doctor at the government clinic said it wasn't necessary)

1. Yesterday I felt flutterings right underneath my belly button. And a soft poking, as if someone was sliding a fingertip through my insides. And bumping. Soft bumping.
2. I have a very weird discharge these days, very thick and gooey. Like egg white. But like COLD eggwhite (thicker). And it's usually tinged with brown, pink or sometimes, very little red. I looked for images as to what it could be and it looks disturbingly like a mucous plug.
3. I have nipple discharge!!! And no, I haven't been overly handling my breasts. Only enough to wrangle on a bra each morning and take it off at night. I don't even do monthly breast exams. My doc takes care of that every year or so (yeah, don't even get on my case about this one...)
Which brings me to my next point
4. Bigger boobs. I noticed it the other day. Like. Maybe a week ago.
5. I feel as if I'm wearing a tight suit. My clothes keep fitting the same, but I feel as if my body is expanding underneath my skin, all in my tummy area. You can't really tell anything though because of the fat on me already (I'm very overweight).

So there you have it. Either I'm pregnant or I'm certifiably bonkers. Either way, I guess I'll find out by mid december when I can afford to go to a private doctor, because I am NOT going back to the government run clinic after the last fiasco. Wish me luck, and that I'm not dragged off to the looney bin.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Spotting again... Rant

Ok, so after feeling like a blown-up balloon for a couple of days, I got some very uncomfortable cramps. After that, I started spotting. And spotting. And it's been 2 days just spotting.

I really hope this doesn't turn out like last month where I spotted for 20 days before finally getting AF, because it's really gonna throw everything off. I had hoped to be able to insem by my birthday or close to it (November 18) but now I'm not sure I'll be able to. I really hate this up and down I'm going through with my cycle, I just can't seem to get anything right lately.

I have been thinking a lot about stuff, and all that goes into my head are the "what if"s. If only I had thrown my fears to the wind and tried to get pregnant sooner. If only I hadn't concentrated on being with someone before I tried to get pregnant. If only...

I know that concentrating on things I could have done differently changes nothing and only gets me sad, but I really can't help it lately. I want to become a mom so bad it hurts, and it's practically the only thing I can think about.

It just gets me so frustrated sometimes. I really feel for everyone that wants to get pregnant, but sometimes I read about women who already have children, and who feel sorry for themselves because they can't have a 5th or a 6th, and it hurts so bad, because they're already blessed! And I can't even have that... I wish I was one of those complaining about how I can't have a 2nd, 3rd or 4th child. I'm not saying their pain isn't real... But it certainly can't compare to those of us who haven't even been able to become mothers once.

I guess I should shut up now before I say something else that is gonna push my foot so far into my mouth I can't ever get it out. I'm just bitter today.

Monday, October 20, 2008

I am sooo happy!

My period is finally over! No 22-day period like in January! Yay for me!

I cannot express how happy I am. I finally stopped bleeding after 10 or so days on Tuesday, and I'm delighted! I don't know if it's psychological or actually something physical or both, but I feel healthier, with more energy and not gloomy! Lately I had been feeling sort of depressed but I didn't know if it was hormones, just the blues or a mixture of both. Now, however, I feel wonderful!

I am so glad things are looking up. Now I just hope that things stay that way and that my next period comes in 20 days or so, and I will be happy as a clam!

Aren't I using load and loads of exclamation marks? As Dooce would say, my use of them just left someone exclamation mark-less. But I don't care! I am happy!!!

Please still keep me in your thoughts and send good vibes my way, I still need them.

But I'm happy! :D

Friday, October 10, 2008

OMG

I just recently started looking into the search terms people use to find my blog...

Is it OK that I'm disturbed that they found it looking for...

Nasty Mamis Pregnant

???!!!

Oh geez. Here come the sickos.

LOL

Friday, October 3, 2008

*^&#&^@*$^#@

I am so fucking pissed off right now, I can't even put it into words.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I went to the doctor almost every day last week. Tuesday I went for a consult. Wednesday I went to get blood drawn for tests and to turn in a urine sample. Friday I went to get the results. I showed the u/s I had gotten before to the doctor again, and again asked him if he didn't need it. He said no. I was told to come back today to get an appointment with the specialist (ob/gyn).

I went today at the appointed time. I was told the appointment was rejected, because there wasn't an u/s on file.

To say I was pissed is an understatement.

I went to the doctor again, and told him that it was his fault I hadn't gotten the appointment, expecting him to do something about it. He shrugged and said he couldn't, and that I should just bring the u/s back and try again. I was even more pissed. I reminded him that by today I'd been spotting for 2 weeks solid, and that every passing day it was heavier although not full blown AF yet, but that clots had started to appear. He said unless I was bleeding out, there was nothing he could do.

I went to my Dr's boss and told him the story. He shrugged too. Told me the same story about bleeding out. I asked WTF would happen if I suddenly started hemorrhaging seriously, and he said that when that happened, he would refer me to gyn emergencies to have a D & C.

I was furious by then. I started crying in frustration, impotence and rage. They take off enough money from my paycheck every month for me to see a private doctor and not get the fucking runaround!!!

I stormed back into his office, and told him that since they were not going to help me, and since they were going to delay my consult anyway, that I wasn't going to give them any freebies and that if they wanted a fucking ultrasound they better fucking take it themselves, especially since the u/s I had was 10 months old and it was probably worth shit by now anyway.

He didn't like it, and argued that I didn't need a new u/s since nothing could have changed until I got him talking in circles and saying that a tumor can develop in as little as 2-3 months. And then I said "see why I need a new ultrasound?". He grudgingly wrote up the script for it then. And so now I have to go to the freaking hospital again on monday to get an appointment scheduled to have an u/s.

The only light at the end of this tunnel is that I'll finally know if I do or don't have cysts, and if I had been pregnant at any point. Despite the negative urine tests they ran even at the hospital, I'm not too convinced that I wasn't pregnant.

For some weird reason, I had this feeling, you know? I sort of -felt- pregnant... And the fact that I'm starting to bleed after almost 2 and a half months and the way I've started bleeding makes me feel as if this is actually an abortion. The way the blood is coming out is nothing like I've ever had before. It doesn't look in any way close to how any of my previous periods have been, even the highly abnormal ones I had at the end of last year. The blood is different. Thinner. Darker.

And every day my abdomen feels more like a hot, hard rock.

I've never felt this way before. I don't know what an abortion feels like, but I do know what periods feel like to me, and this is definitely not what one feels like.

And I'm sad.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Yes, I sold out

If you noticed the changes, you know what I mean. Please don't get on my case about it. You know what they're there for, and why, if you've read previous posts.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Well...

EDIT:
Thanks to all you commenters. It really helps to know that there are other people that understand what I'm going through. I talk to people here and they just don't understand. The people I know that have problems with their cycles don't want to have children anyway, or really just don't care, and the rest of them just have children whenever they feel like it. Even when they don't really want them. It's just not fair.

Jody:
I didn't mean to say that in the USA you had it easier. Quite the contrary, you guys have it much harder. With the government run practice here, as long as you're working, you're covered, no matter what preexisting conditions you may have. The law is written that way. But the private practice is so much quicker than the government one, and it's just frustrating that I have to wait two months or maybe more to get results I could get in a private clinic in less than a week. I am frustrated because if only I could afford it, I could get results (and better care) so much quicker if I went the private route. I didn't mean to say you guys had it any better.

------------
I hadn't been much in the mood to post, but I finally decided I had left you up in the air for too long, so here goes.

I went to the doctor on Friday to figure out what the heck my tests revealed, and (why am I not surprised?) he had only done regular, run-of-the-mill tests on me which told us nothing. He had done a regular checkup on my blood cells (everything normal), urea and creatinine (normal), cholesterol levels (normal), coagulation time and stuff (normal) and URINE pregnancy test (negative).

What pisses me off the most is I had told him I had already done the pee sticks several times and they came back as negative. It blows my mind that he couldn't be bothered to at least consider a BLOOD pregnancy test. Heck, they took enough vials (4).

Anyway, so he didn't run any of the hormonal tests which I thought he would. When I asked him why, he said "Because we're not authorized to use the specialized lab that runs them, I have to refer you to nuclear medicine and the gynecologist".

Ok, I thought. Refer me to the gynecologist. So I told him to.

I have an appointment this coming Friday to, get this: -pick up the date on which I'm allowed to go see the gynecologist-.

NOW DO YOU SEE WHY I HATE THE GOVERNMENT RUN PRACTICE???

See, medicine here is not like in the USA (I don't know about the rest of the world).

If you go to a private practice doc here, the LATEST they will fit you in is maybe a week after. You're paying, after all. With the government practice, I'll be lucky if I get to see the gynecologist before next month.

WHY CAN'T I AFFORD A PRIVATE DOC???

Ugh.

So yeah, I don't know what hormonal problems I might have (or if I have them at all and this is just a fluke of nature), and I won't know until gawd knows when.

I am sorely tempted to go to a private practice and get the tests run myself, but
a) I can't afford it, and
b) I can't afford to go to a private gyn afterwards and pay for whatever medicines they prescribe,
So I'm stuck with the government practice.

Heck, I may as well stick it out, since they have been collecting the monthly fees from my paycheck for, oh, I dunno, 10 YEARS???!!! And I have only used them, and for things like colds and sprained ankles maybe twice a year. It was high time I used them for something actually worth all the damn money they collect.

Anyway, so yeah, I'm frustrated, but I guess it could be worse.

UGH!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Doctor

So I went to the doctor today and based on a previous consult with a private doctor (versus the government sponsored one I saw today), he says my problem is most likely hormonal. Great. Just what I need. Hormone problems while TTC, even after 6 months of taking hormone replacement therapy. Wonderful.

Going to this doctor is a hell in its own right, by the way. I had to be at the office at 20 to 7, and I didn't get to see the doc until after 10:30. It's a first come, first serve kind of deal, and it's up to the gills every day. And they only see a certain number of patients based on the consult you're assigned to (morning or afternoon). If you come in after X amount of patients have already signed up, you get sent back and told to come another day.

Anyway, as I said, the doc agreed it was likely a hormonal thing and wrote me up a lab request for several different tests. I am being tested for pretty much everything on this earth, including blood type (which I had already told the doc, but he preferred to re-test it) and pregnancy test.

Yup. He thinks I might be preggo. Because my period after the IUI was so light. Because I haven't had a period in over 2 months. Because I am gaining weight (which I really shouldn't be doing unless I truly am pregnant).

Soooo

I get the labs done tomorrow, and I get the results on friday. Wish me luck, and please pray for me that it's something trivial and that I'll be fine, and that if I'm not preggo yet, that it's something that won't prevent me from becoming pregnant...

Sunday, September 21, 2008

False alarm...?!

So I woke up today to a clean tampon. I'm beginning to think this is another sick little joke my body (and life) are playing on me. I will go to the doctor next week to figure it out in case I don't get my full blown period in the next couple of days.

*sigh*

Oh well.

Weirdness

Ok, seems like life is throwing another curveball my way, and I don't know if to feel relieved or sad about it.

As you may well know, if you follow me through some boards or from FF, I haven't had my period in well over 2 months. And the last period I had was very atypical, if you can even call it a period since it was so light.

I had really started believing I might just be pregnant... First, because my last period only lasted 4 or so days, and because I had never had such a light period in my life. Even the "mid" flow days were leaning heavily towards light. Secondly, because I have always been extremely regular, even if sometimes my system got sort of wonked out, I still had my period approximately every 30 days.

So I started thinking I might be pregnant. And I went on vacations thinking I might be. This worried me to no end for 3 reasons.

1. After my last (weird) period, I got a really bad stomach infection which caused very high fevers and I was prescribed antibiotics for it. I didn't mention pregnancy as a possibility to my doctor because at the time I firmly believed I wasn't. I took 2 separate courses of antibiotics when I might have been 3 weeks pregnant.

2. After I got rid of the stomach bug, and a weekend during which I felt cramping that felt distinctly like I was about to get my period, I got really depressed. Very much so. It just so happened that my friends organized a party and while there I decided to get completely zonked. I drank more than I care to remember, and I smoked a whole lot of cigarrettes.

3. I don't handle disappointment very well, and when I kept getting negative HPTs as well as negative OPKs about 30 days after my last period, I got discouraged and stopped taking my prenatals. This includes the folic acid.

So, there you have it. As much as I want to be pregnant, I was scared to death that I might be because not only had I gotten very very drunk, but I had also taken two courses of antibiotics and also stopped taking my vitamins.

But then, it would be very much in tune with the Catch-22 that seems to be my life. As if everything around me is dictated by Murphy's law. At the beginning of this week I made up my mind to go to my doctor to get a blood test, and if necessary, to get an u/s.

On Thursday this week, I started spotting.

It was light enough that I thought I might still be pregnant if I ever had been, but it made me start to wonder if it might just not be my period after all this time.

Friday the spotting was gone.

Then some time between yday and today, after a very refreshing nap, it turned bright red.

It seems I have finally gotten my period.

I can only say, I'm sort of sad that I didn't turn out to be pregnant, but I am very relieved. Very much so. I would have hated myself eternally had I had a child that was harmed in any way through my actions, or lack of them. I guess this was my body's way of teaching me I should never let my guard down, even when I think things aren't working the way I want them to, and that I should always make healthy choices, regardless of whether I'm pregnant or not, because one day another human being is going to be dependent on me and I need to be healthy and there for him/her.

Sometimes life just has a weird way of teaching us lessons. And getting us out of the gutter called depression with a swift slap to knock us back into our senses.

Onwards I go.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

MIA

So...

I have been gone quite a while. To tell you the truth, at first it was because I was really disappointed in getting a BFN, and then because I was just too anxious trying to catch my surge (which by the way, apparently never came. I'm not even sure I'm really "DPO" because I took those last temps after only 2.5 hrs of sleep)

Then, I didn't blog because I was just too ticked off over not catching my surge and rather upset that I was heading for a very very long cycle. I have never had a cycle this long, it is SO upsetting. The longest cycle I had ever had in my LIFE before these last 2 has been 32 days. And that was LONG! Mine were usually ever 28-30 days, TOPS.

And then although I still haven't got my period, I thought I might blog, but something else happened... While I was working Sunday night, taking care of some last-minute details, a huge deluge started falling, and the area where I work totally flooded! A water canal nearby had brimmed over (is that even right...? oh well) and had flooded the area where I work. Water on the streets was at waist level, and although the building in which I work is elevated off the ground floor, the parking lot still got flooded quite a bit, higher than my knees... Which meant my poor VW bug was flooded too... Inside as well... And since it just so happens to be a fuel injection car, the computer got wet and it's busted. So on top of having to do a full oil and filter change, have the injectors washed, the spark plugs cleaned and the computer dried out, it's still not working. And I need 150 dlls that I DONT have to repair it. I have no one to turn to, have no money, no car, and I'm at my wit's end.

So yeah... This hasn't been my day... My week... My month... My year... Heck, I could go on, but what's the point? Things just don't seem to be falling into place for me. Such is life.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I'm out...

AF started semi-normally today. I'm bummed, to say the least.

I just hope I get a regular AF today and that I can try this cycle. And maybe... Just maybe... This one will stick?

Keeping my fingers crossed.

Monday, July 14, 2008

15DPO

Still waiting, but I've started spotting. Since yesterday. Some bright red spotting, but not enough to cover even one pantyliner, even since yesterday.

HPTs are still negative.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

11DPO

BFN

I am going to test again on monday and then on the 15th... I'm trying not to get too down, but i'm sort of guessing that's all that it's going to be this cycle...

Oh well...

Monday, June 30, 2008

Quick post

Before going to work...

I'm in the TWW!!!

Saturday, June 21, 2008

CD19

And still no positive OPK. I know I'm testing right (holding urine for at least 4 hrs, not drinking any liquids beforehand) and I've been testing since CD8, so I know I can't have surged yet. Plus, FF hasn't detected ovulation yet, so I'm pretty sure it hasn't happened.

Has anyone had really late ovulation? My cycles are usually regular (with the exception of that AF episode back in January) and they last 30-31 days. I have been thinking maybe I have been stressing too much over getting a positive, but it could also be that I took estrogen during CD2-CD12. Does anyone know anything about this?

I could really use any help whatsoever. At all. Please.

Should I keep testing? I'm afraid I won't even get AF since I should have O'd by now. I'm starting to wonder if I -WILL- O, and if I have O'd at all for the past few months (years?).

I'm just starting to get really antsy. Help.

My chart is this one, please tell me what you think:

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/erikagm

Friday, June 13, 2008

CD12... HELP

Well, it's CD12... I have been peeing on sticks for 5 days now, and up until yday I had what clearly were only evap lines...

Today, though, I started getting the faintest line, well, maybe not really faint, but really THIN. This line, however, is unlike the ones before because this one actually has TINCTURE. I can see it clearly as sort of purplish, not grayish like the others.

What does this mean? How far off should my surge be now? I really need to know because Donor needs to travel from USA to here so I can inseminate, and so I need to know as far off in advance as I can... But because Donor can only stay for about 3 days, then I shouldn't be too ahead of myself either.

Please help!!!

Friday, June 6, 2008

CD5

I can't believe it's CD5 already... I totally gave in and POAS again. Negative, of course...

I am getting antsier and antsier... How soon can I O if my cycle is always around 30 days? Last month I felt the O pinch and cramps on CD11... I'm confused :S

So... in case my fresh sperm IUI doesn't work... I'd like to know what timing you girls used with the frozen guys the cycle you became pregnant... And how you timed it... Based on BBT? Based on a surge?

Please tell :)

Saturday, May 31, 2008

OMG

I finally got my pee sticks! I really can't believe they're here! And I was naughty... I used one just to see what they would look like and what I should expect once I'm actually waiting for something. I know, I know... I'm really weird like that.

So anyway, either you, my readers, have not been coming around, or you just plain lost interest in helping a woman in your same boat out :( I have not gotten any responses to my request for instructions on how to thaw sperm!

C'mon people! I'm dying here and no one pushes a hand my way! Show me that you are willing to help a fellow woman in need!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Update

So... I am now officially waiting for AF, which means CD1 is slowly approaching, and with it, the start of my charting and temping and OPKs and so on and so forth...

If all goes well, I should be inseming this cycle. Keep your fingers crossed for me! It will be an IUI with fresh sperm, so I'm hoping it will be charmed and I get a baby out of it, if not, I'll have 4 frozen vials to do at-home insems for 2 more cycles...

I am getting really really nervous...

Give me suggestions on where I can find some really good instructions on how to THAW the frozen vials and then inseming at home.

If I don't get preggo... I am thinking of starting C.lomid on my third cycle to make the most of the last 2 vials and not have to make my donor come down again to donate. What do you guys think? There are no twins in my family except for very distant relatives, and I think it was from the in-laws side of the family... Would I have a very big chance of getting twins that way?

I need all the advice you can give me... What worked for when you finally got preggo?

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Remember...

...when I said something big might be about to happen, and that I'd let you all know as soon as I was sure?

Well, this is it... I can tell you guys since I'm sure it's happening now... I can't believe it, actually, and I'm so excited I'm about to burst!

I was looking at a donor in order to start TTC, and he said yes! After I ran some tests to make sure everything would be all right (we had all the info on his part) he agreed! I will be buying OPKs and a basal thermometer this afternoon online so I can start charting!

I really can't believe this yet, I still have to wrap my head around it. It just all seems too good to be true and I still feel like I'm going to wake up any second now... Oh dear...

So, dear readers, this has officially become a TTC blog! Welcome onboard, and enjoy the ride!

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Happy Mother's Day!!!

To all my blogging mommy and soon-to-be mommy friends, I wish you have a very happy Mother's Day, may your life be filled with joy and fulfillment :)

Hoping to join your ranks soon! :P

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Oh blogger, how I missed thee, let me count the ways...


Holy guacamole!!!

I had not been able to get in here for the past couple of days, and let me tell you, I was having SEVERE blogging withdrawal!!! I tried to update for you guys a couple of days ago, and to my surprise my account said it had been deactivated!

So I did what any normal google user would do.

I freaked

LOL

I went totally bonkers. Must have tried to log onto the account 5 different times following their WRONG instructions! Then I finally gave in and filled out the form they told me to. I got an email back about 10 mins later. And they said if I felt my account had been suspended in error, I should reply. So I did.

And I waited

And waited

And waited some more

Today, being fed up with waiting (and just DYING to post although I had nothing to post -about-) I filled out their form AGAIN. But instead of just adding the exact steps followed to get the error, I added "oh, and this is the second email I've sent. I've already replied to your previous response and got no answer".

So I got a prompt response... With the same form letter... But I replied to that again stating that this was the second time they were giving me the runaround... So I got another form email asking me to pick from a list for the reason why I was complaining... And surprisingly... None of the reasons fit my problem... So I replied again... And finally got a form letter that looked like it would help, so I followed directions...

On top of filling out the form in a webpage, I also replied to the email with additional information they could use to prove I actually AM who I claim I am and actually OWN the account... They replied back within minutes stating my access had been reinstated and that I could log back on... WOOHOO! :D

I couldn't believe how happy I was over this! I was actually getting really really sad over having possibly lost my gmail account, and especially my blog... I've had my account for YEARS (maybe 3 or 4) and had never had a problem before, so I was really surprised...

So, if you ever have this problem, the best advice I can give you is: Don't give up. Be nice and send out all the information they need. Be polite, realize that the person helping you is most definitely not the person that caused the problem to begin with. Be patient. I know how frustrating it is and how lost you feel, but throwing a fit will help you not.

YAY FOR GETTING MY ACCOUNT BACK! :D

Monday, April 28, 2008

Something big...

...may be about to happen, but I'm still not sure if it will, and it would be oh-so-incredible if it did so I'd rather not jinx it. Please just know that if I haven't been posting as regularly it's for a darned good reason and I haven't forgotten about you guys.
Keep me in your thoughts and send good vibes my way :)

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

I have to say...

Sorry for not posting anything lately, but life keeps happening and I've been running around like crazy not even capable of even sitting down long enough to write. I do read your blogs still, and post comments when I have something to say and the time to say it, but lately things have just been very hectic here at my house and I can just apologize for not posting as often.
Of course, you just might have been sick of all my ranting and welcoming the respite ;)
Also, I haven't been able to think of anything blogworthy, although something might be coming up real soon... Stay tuned!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Reader Appreciation Day

Ok, so first off, let me thank the women at The Other Mother for their wonderful idea in thanking you, our loyal readers, for caring enough (or being curious enough) to hop over to our blogs and read up on all the big and little things we all have to say.

First, I want to thank everyone who has kept on reading this blog despite (although you were forewarned by the blog title name) all the ranting, despite all my grumbling and groaning, and despite the gloomy mood I may be in sometimes. I mentioned a while back this blog is like my therapy, and in a sense is very private to me (hardly anyone I know IRL has it), but I feel comfortable to share it with all of you, since you share part of your lives with us as well.

I sometimes feel like we're all some sort of family (although I'm sure some of you may find that silly), and that we're all connected through our blogs somehow.

Thank you

Thank you for letting me share in your joys, sorrows, prides and joys with you, and for coming here and sharing in mine as well. Thank you for sharing this space with me, and for letting me share in yours.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Tiff and Karli


Karli, Tiff, I can only say I am VERY happy for you, and since yours is the first blog that I'll be reading from the start of the pregnancy, I thought I'd do something special for you guys :) I'm sure your little one is already looking down on you and being completely excited about having you two as his/her mommies!
Wishing you two all the best! :D

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Finding out who you really are

First off, let me thank Jess over at I'd Rather Be Tired Than Broke for the only comment I was left on my previous post.

The post on her blog brought back memories since I was in Medical School once, and with them came the memory of how I finally accepted I was a lesbian, and I wanted to share that with all of you that come and read this blog.

Up until about 10 years ago, I was in Medical School in Guadalajara Mexico, at the Universidad de Guadalajara. I was doing good. I was regular on the written tests, but when it came to practice I was spot on all the time, which was why I was doing well overall. However, after a time I started feeling that school was not everything in life.

For the first time in my life, I was finally "free" of family telling me what to do, when to do it and why. I finally started thinking about ME and what I felt and what I wanted. All of my life I had always tried to be the perfect child, the perfect student, the perfect daughter. I never felt I was though. My parents always favored my brother and sister, but that is another story for another time. But anyway, I finally felt free, and I finally felt I was free to express my own thoughts and feelings and wants and needs. Among those, I found that I was sick of being "perfect", and that all my life I had been doing what others expected of me instead of what I needed or wanted for myself.

I started changing. What my parents would call "rebelling". I got a small tattoo on my ankle (no bigger than a nickel), I also dyed part of my hair blue. All of this, however, was mere experimenting for the actual things that were really troubling me, and were buried so deep down inside me I didn't even know what they were.

First, was my discontent with being in Med School. I had always told myself I wanted to be a doctor, that it was what I always dreamed of, and I kept telling myself that. See, my dad is a doctor, and all my life I had tried to please him, to have him be proud of me, since my mother was almost impossible to please (she only had eyes for her son).

Truth is, my real passions are numbers and languages. As a child, I dreamed of being a mathematician or a translator for the UN (yeah, unlikely professions, but I really felt with the right training I could have performed either exceptionally well).

I went into Med School because I wanted to please my father and because in itself it is a very worthy profession and I truly wanted to help people, but it wasn't truly what I ever wanted for myself. However, I was determined to see it through.

Meanwhile, I finally uncovered the thing that was hidden deep deep down inside myself after having a chat with a friend on the internet... What I really liked were girls, not men. I decided to keep that knowledge to myself, because despite the fact that my dad has a gay brother and my mom had LOADS of gay friends, I somehow suspected they wouldn't take it very well.

Boy was I right.

I found that out when my mom searched through my stuff while I was on vacation back in Vallarta and she found some love letters from my then gf. Stupid of me to pack them? Hell yeah. But I'd only just found them on the bus ride home and it tore my heart to just dump them somewhere. If I'd known she'd find them and what would happen, I'd have dumped them in a second though.

My life as I knew it came to an end. My parents gave me a choice: Stay in school, have the life of a monk on parole and still have a family and renounce who I am, something I'd searched VERY hard to find out, or still be "confused" and forget I had a family or that I'd ever gone to school. To me, it was a no-brainer. I chose ME.

I had finally had a chance to taste what being myself was like, and I'd enjoyed it. I loved knowing who I really am and wasn't about to give it up for anyone or anything. I bolted. I dropped all contact except for those in my family who already knew, still loved me and didn't give a damn either way.

It was very hard at first, but it's gradually gotten better. My life is still a work in progress, whereas at 20 I thought I'd have everything figured out by now. I don't know if they were unreal expectations or if it's just really taking me longer to get my shit together because of my choices, but I don't regret where I am. Ok, maybe sometimes, but then I think of the other alternative I was given and realize it was all for the best. At least my mother has finally gotten over the shock after 9 years and accepts me for who I am and also accepts my gf, and she didn't have nearly half as hard a time accepting my little brother when he came out as gay. Yeah, 2 outta 3... Makes you wonder if it isn't really genetic, doesn't it?

So, there you have it, my "coming out" story. Later on, I'll post the happier stories of my CHOSEN coming out to different friends and members of my family (before my parents knew about it).

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Numb

Lately, that's how I've been feeling. Numb. After the heart breaking 3 days I had after having my last baby dream where I SWEAR I almost ran out the door to beg someone, ANYONE for sperm, I've sort of started running on automatic mode.

I dunno. Maybe it's one of my mood swings, and maybe it's a signal of depression. I don't know anymore. Not even sure if I care, really, because maybe being numb is better than feeling all the uncertainty and want and need and pain that surrounds my life right now.

I wish I had a clear path of what my life is going to be like, but I'm not even sure I have that anymore. I wish I had the financial freedom to be able to say "the hell with everything" and just get pregnant and not rely on anyone else, but the truth is, I won't be able to make it without my partner, and she's not all that economically stable either. Hell, she lives off unemployment. (Which she gets in dollars since she's a US citizen... And dollars go a long way in Mexico)

I'm too confused right now to try to make sense out of anything. Too dazed. Like the title of that 90's movie (but definitely not its theme). I wish I could just send consequences to the wind and be daring and say "I'll make it myself somehow" and go for it, regardless of my situation, but in reality I'm too much of a coward, and I've sworn for ages that I wouldn't put any child of mine in a situation where his/her needs would go by unmet. And I'm afraid they will if I just leave destiny up to, well... Destiny.

Too many questions going round my head. Too many options. Too many answers. Don't want to think right now, just want to sleep.

I guess I -am- depressed.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

I am getting QUITE desperate...

Ok, so lately my biological clock has been ticking like MAD. And I mean MAD folks. I have been having dreams of being pregnant, of having a child, and even of doing the unspeakable: having s.ex with a guy in order to become pregnant (not that I ever would... eewww) No offense to all the hetero girls out there, but it's just NOT for me!

But really, I have become very emotional about it, feeling as if I -should- have a child by now and becoming more and more desperate after each damn dream...

I feel as if my chance of becoming a mother is slipping between my fingers, as if with each cycle that goes by, my chance of becoming a mother decreases (I know that's reality, but in my head it's becoming a life-or-death situation, when in reality it's not and I probably have a good 7 years before I actually have to start worrying)

I feel like Marissa T.omei in My Cousin V.innie, when she says "My biological clock is TICKING-LIKE-THIS!" (stomping foot to the rhythm of the last 3 words)

Has this ever happened to anyone else? Am I the only nutcase?

I wish I had the answers...

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The Idiot Box

I was raised as a kid with open and free access to the Idiot Box. Oh yeah. I could watch it when and as much as I wanted to.

When I was living with my grandmother as a baby/toddler, since I was like 3, special emphasis had been placed on reading, I did not stay glued to the TV all day long. I would rather spend my evenings playing with the few children in the neighborhood (I was living with my grandma at the time, and most people around were her age, the few kids around were grandkids or the children of the live-in maids), playing with Lego Blocks, running around her backyard or READING. Never mind that it was comic books (Archie, Mickey Mouse, Little Lulu, Pink Panther), I still READ. I much preferred it to TV. And love of reading lives in me to this day, and I read a LOT. When my parents were footing the bill in my teens, it was up to 10 books a month. I would DEVOUR books.

Yes, I had a special place in my heart for cartoons (what kid doesn't like colorful things) and loved loved LOVED Felix The Cat, but that was about it.

When I went to live with my parents, books were initially few and far between. I would steal my mother's magazines and her small picture novels and read. The rest of the time I spent glued to the TV. I had no backyard and no friends where my parents lived. It wasn't until much later my parents figured out I loved books so much, and started purchasing age-appropriate ones for me. Until then I'd been reading my textbooks over and over. I just fell back into my love of books.

I was around 8 when I first met my mom's cousin and her kids. We lived in Mexico, they in the States. They were not allowed to eat anything containing refined sugar or to watch TV.

Now, aside from thinking their parents were evil for not letting them enjoy sugary stuff and not letting them watch cartoons (my favorite at the time was Felix The Cat... It was early 80's), I did not feel disconnected with them at all. We still found plenty of other things to talk about. They, however, felt they were being cruelly and unusually punished. They longed for what they couldn't have and were envious of me. They told me so. I sneaked them a little TV (Their mom was a real nut, and had she found out, she would've punished them). We lost contact with them due to the distance and the death of the older relatives, but I heard from my aunt (who lived in the USA and had lots more contact) that they'd rebelled as teenagers and became sort of like little nutcases before settling back down.

***DISCLAIMER*** These kids were the only ones I ever met who didn't watch TV while growing up, and while they may have had very difficult teens, they ended up being fine and their teen troubles may have been totally unrelated to not watching TV. I also know that many many many of the children I grew up with that watched TV not only had ugly teens, they also ended up having very very bad lives in general.

So, basically what I'm trying to say is... It all comes down to education. If a kid is taught early on to love other things DESPITE the TV being present, they will continue to love those other things more regardless of having access to a TV or not. And they won't be resentful.

As for myself, The love of books lives with me to this day. Even having a TV and zillions of DVDs doesn't change the fact that I'd much rather be reading than watching TV. Sure, I enjoy shows like B.ones and H.ouse and G.host whisperer, but only because they feed into interests created in me through BOOKS (I love the Scarpetta novels by P. Cornwell and all of R.obin Cook's books, as well as any ghost/mystery/horror novels you push my way).

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Polly Harvey, ahora te escribo a ti. A menos que de plano sea ciega, no encuentro tu email en ningun lado por tu perfil. Ve a mi perfil y metete a mi pagina web, ahi tengo un icono de unos perritos corriendo que dan link a mi email... Escribeme!

Monday, March 24, 2008

Wishes

Ok...

So...

Well...

I can't really believe it...

My wish was met!!!

I am not dizzy anymore. Yep people, I am not dizzy anymore...

But as they say, every silver lining has its cloud...

I've got a cold now.

Hey, it's better than being dizzy all the time, so I'm not really complaining.

As a side note, on my last post, someone by the nick of Polly Harvey left me a note (in spanish) and she totally knows who I am!!! Sadly, I can't remember her at all although she claims we wrote each other through email and has nice memories of me... So... I'm going to ask her to post again, and gimme a clue as to who she is! I've been to her blog and checked out her profile, but Alas! There is no way to post there and no way to contact her at all. So, Polly Harvey, whoever you are, please let me know how to reach you so we can get in touch again.

P.S.- Your nick made me look up the artist by the same name, and I've listened to some of her music. I have to admit... I'm hooked.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Not my trimester...

So I've been doing some adding up, and it seems 2008 is -definitely- not going to be my year.

To summarize quickly what's been happening

January:
Had the 22-day period, complete with cancer scare that caused me to empty my savings account for the WHOLE YEAR since I decided to go the private medicine route.

February:
Had a weird throat thingie that caused me to be aphonic for 3 days.

March:
-Got vertigo from God-knows where. Had to take a 3 day -unpaid- MLA from work.
-Had the cupboard fall on my head.
-Discovered my DSL modem/router had died. Got hung up on twice by the internet people and when I finally got through to someoneone, got put on hold for over 10 mins whilst I was becoming -really- late for my doctor's appointment, a big no-no in our public medicine system.
-Decided to hang up on said CSR from internet company and went directly to their offices to have modem exchanged, which apparently happened without a hitch. Until I get home and discover said modem came -without- an AC adapter and since good thursday, friday and easter-or-whatever weekend (not a religious person here) is coming up, the internet company's offices will be closed until monday.
-Fought with a CSR who kept treating me like an uneducated moron whilst explaining to her that I would -not- be paying for service I did not have, thanks to them, and demanding credit for the days I would be without such said service.

To give this trimester some credit, I do have to add:
Today a wonderful repairman from the internet company came by, and offered to leave with me an AC adapter until monday when I can go to the internet company's offices and demand my own adapter from them. Hence I have internet access again, and all is right with the world.

(Well, not really, but it does feel a lot better. Now if only the dizzyness would go away...)

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Jinx...

Ok, I swear, I must have a hex on me or something...

Today, after having my dose of c.innarizine doubled, I can finally say I'm dizzy-free. Apparently it's some weird inner ear problem since it was not anemia, high or low BP, diabetes or cholesterol related.

It is a relief to know that, but just when everything seemed to be going well...

The kitchen cupboard falls on my head.

I swear, I am NOT making this up. I went to grab something from the cupboard and I noticed that my cleaning lady had left this weird little thing I have that is comprised of a spring-loaded upright pole and 2 shelves resting on the outer edge of the cupboard instead of the inner edge, and so I decided to move it back to its proper place. Shouldn'tvedonethat.

The whole damn cupboard came swooping upon me, and now I have a bump the size of half an egg on top of my head. I've been keeping myself awake for about 2 hours now, afraid of a concussion. Thankfully I had a nap in the afternoon and won't want to kill myself from tiredness tomorrow.

You got a curandero handy? I could really use a limpia right about now...

*Curandero is sort of a medicine man, and a limpia is a ritual they perform in order to supposedly drive evil spirits and negative influences away, such as bad luck or illnesses... And yeah, I really feel like I need one right now.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Ring, ring...

Ok so the tinnitus (aka ringing in my ears) has apparently gotten louder from yday to today and is no longer only audible while I am in a quiet room. I can now hear it over the sound of the TV and other loud noises (not that I listen to TV too loud, I don't really like overly loud noises).

So what's up? I dunno if the tinnitus has gotten worse or I've just become more self-conscious and tuned-in toward it that I can now listen to it all day long.

I am so sick of being sick! And not knowing what the heck is wrong with me!

If anyone has any words of advice, I'd be glad to hear them.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Update

Ok, so after having gone to the doctor 3 days in a row at the godawful hour of 6 AM!!! in the freaking morning just to secure an appointment for the day (social-security-run clinics don't make appointments, it's a first come-first serve -and we won't serve you if we run out of slots which is usually by 7 am- basis), I have had it narrowed down to 2 possibilities:

Ear somethingy
Cholesterol level.

Thankfully, diabetes, high BP and anemia have been discarded.

Now, these 3 days my general practitioner kept asking me about tinnitus, and I just kept saying I didn't have it, because I thought I didn't... But then, I -do- have this really low ringing in my ears ALL THE TIME, but I've ALWAYS had it, it didn't start now, and I can only listen to it when I'm in a quiet room, so now I don't know if it is in fact tinnitus or just something everyone experiences.

Help.

I have to go to consult again on tuesday, and I'd really appreciate it if someone let me know if this constant and relatively quiet ringing in my ears is normal or if it should be considered tinnitus, especially if I've had it for as long as I can remember.

Again, please send good thoughts my way.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Sick as a dog

Okay so I haven't been posting as I should because I've had about 3 times as much work as I should (which means I logged a 65 hr week last week) and since Saturday, I've been ill. Very literally so, I'm afraid.

It all started Saturday morning. I woke up feeling refreshed, if a tad annoyed at having to go to work. It was a really pretty morning, and I'd much rather have stayed in bed if I could. But, Alas! I had to get up, so I sat on the bed and suddenly felt as if I'd just stopped spinning round and round. I was so dizzy it felt as if I'd just drank about a whole bottle of whisky. Luckily, it only brought mild nausea, so it was bearable, but this sudden feeling of the world spinning all around me was definitely not nice, and it repeated itself each time I moved.

Initially I figured that I might be anemic since I'd had that lovely 3 week menstrual period in January and that I was just feeling its aftermath since I hadn't been eating too well. I started taking iron orally on Sunday. I felt a bit better.

Then yesterday afternoon, I started feeling very ill again. Then I started thinking I might have a middle ear inflammation or infection and that I might need medicine, so today I went to the infirmary at work, and saw the nurse. She said I had very irritated inner ears, and gave me some drops and a pill to cure the dizzyness. I felt almost immediately better, so I went out for breakfast with my co-workers. I had OJ and some pozole. As soon as I got up from the table, however, I felt really dizzy again. I went back to the nurse as soon as we got back to work, and the Doctor was now there. I spoke to him, and he told me I probably had labyrinthitis (sp?) and that I should go to the hospital. He gave me a pass.

I went to the hospital and was told I had high BP, probably had high blood sugar and I might also have issues with my cholesterol levels.

I was given a request for a blood test for anemia and glucose and then sent to the ER, given a BP pill, given a shot of god-knows-what, got my finger pricked and tested for sugar levels and told to "sit". I suddenly felt like a dog... (My blood sugar was normal though)

After about an hour, I was told my BP was normal again, and that I should go. However, I stood up and felt immediately dizzy. I told this to the nurse, who spoke to a doctor who I'm sure was not even done with school yet as she looked around 20, who told me to "walk it off". I did, and felt a little better, although not completely rid of the dizzyness. I decided to drop it, and came home.

I have had dizzyness all afternoon. I notice that I'm especially dizzy after I eat, so now I'm back to being afraid I might have diabetes. Especially since I've been very thirsty and pee like a horse.

And no, I can't possibly be pregnant unless that old story from over 2000 years ago was repeated in me, a modern-day lesbian. Can you imagine what the church would say if the holy spirit suddenly possessed me? I'm laughing inside as I think about it. But I digress.

I'm really really hoping that it's because of some ear thingy, but I'm really starting to fear it's diabetes. But then I feel it might be the ear thing since it's mostly only when I shift the position of my head.

I'm scared. Please send good vibes for tomorrow's tests.

Friday, March 7, 2008

The big green ugly monster

Today I got a visitor. It is a nasty one, at that. It's called envy.

Out of the blue, today, I just got really envious of my 2 direct female co-workers... Why? They're both pregnant.

They're both younger than me, at 26 and 24, the 26 year old already having a 4 year old son.

I'm 30, and I'm not even close to having a child.

I'm really really jealous, and it does not feel nice.

I'm glad for both of them, really, because the 24 yr old thought she might be sterile because of hormonal issues, and the 26 yr old had a spontaneous abortion about 4 months ago, so I'm really glad for her especially because she was devastated when she lost that baby.

But im still jealous.

I've known for as long as I can remember that I wanted to be a mom someday, but that day doesn't seem even close. I don't feel stable enough emotionally or economically to have a child. A lot of moms have told me that one never feels ready enough, and that when you have a child, things just fall into place, but I'm afraid. I had a mental image of where I would be at with my life when I had a child, and I'm finding it hard to let go of that ideal...

So... Anyone have any suggestions? Comments? Words of encouragement? Has anyone felt not ready but decided to take the plunge anyway and had it work out for the best? Has anyone done it and wished they'd waited? (not saying you regret having kids, just wished you'd held off longer)

Please, any comments will be highly appreciated.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

I'm baaaack

Well, after a few (well, ok maybe more than a few) days completely off line because my NB was acting up, I scooted my butt back and started reading blogs again.

One of the blogs on my bloglist had a topic about struggling to get their youngest (a boy) to give up his beloved paci. This brought back many memories, since I was the one ultimately responsible for getting my little brother (the youngest of 2 girls and a boy - sound similar?) to give up his beloved Titi Asada (pronounced tee-tee assada).

Now, let me just back up a bit, since you're probably already wondering what the heck I'm talking about.

Let me take you back around 20 years.

I was about 10 at the time, my brother then being 4. Ever since he was a baby, he had had these little pillows he called Titi Asada. Now, if you think about it, a rough translation of that into english would be Grilled Breast, but thankfully that's not what it actually meant. My brother had this weird baby speak, kind of like twin speak, that only I could understand. Not even my sister (closer in age to him) could translate for him. I was the priviledged one. However, when my mother (or anyone else) had finally become curious enough to ask what it actually meant and figured my brother was finally old enough to be able to explain it, he had dropped out of baby speak and didn't know how to do it except repeat the name over and over again. Alas, I had never asked him myself (not being curious about it).

Anyway, so this pillow was quite the thing for him. He was a thumb-sucker (as all 3 of us were until a certain age... I sucked my thumb until shortly before the removal actually happened, and this only because I switched schools in the 6th grade), but he could live without the thumb. Not so for the Titi. If my mother ever needed to wash the thing, and this only happened on a strict NEED-TO basis (i.e. The thing could stand up on its own due to accumulated dirt and gross stuff), she had to either wait until he was deeply asleep (and this kid NEVER took naps), which meant a washing machine cycle at around midnight, or to have my brother fret over the fate of his beloved while standing right next to the washing machine waiting nervously until it was safely back in his arms.

There was a ritual to go with the thing as well. He would twist one of the corners of it until it was a skinny tentacle-looking thing, and he would hold that end in his right fist, with the tip protruding out the top of his fist where his thumb was. Then, he would simultaneously stick the tip of the Titi inside his right nostril and his thumb into his mouth. The kid was in heaven then.

We never did understand the need to have something stuck up his nose, but considering the fact that everyone who knew him called him Hydra (many headed mythological monster) because of how BAD he was, we were just thankful that it was the tip of a pillow and not something else like, say, a screwdriver, icepick or something to the effect.

Anyway, to the aforementioned event.

My brother did everything with his Titi, from resting his food on top of it to pushing away unwanted things to sleep with it to sit on it, you name it, he did it, so I wasn't surprised when one day he took up using it as a fly-swatter. That is when I had my brilliant idea. You see, my mother had been trying unsuccessfully for almost a year then to get him to drop the damn thing, since it was gross to the eye as well as the stomach :S , but my brother resisted all attempts. And, since it was the only thing that made him marginally manageable, my mother had ceased and desisted.

However, I knew my brother looked up to me and he trusted pretty much anything I threw his way, so one day, after he had knocked dead one of those particularly gruesome huge flies of the green variety that carry larvae inside them, and he was about to stick the Titi back in his nostril and his thumb back in his mouth, I stopped him with a yell.

He was startled of course. Then pissed. He wanted to know what all the ruckus was about.

I told him in my most professional manner (for a 10 year old) that since he had swatted the fly with his Titi, and the fly had had tiny maggots inside it, that the maggots were now lodged inside his Titi. He asked me to wash it to get rid of them, but I told him that that wouldn't do it since it was now "infected" (or term to designate anything no longer usable for its purpose under any means). He then sadly accepted to surrender the Titi, and we both walked it to the trash can, I with my best grossed-out face, and he with the most sad face you could image. After we dropped the Titi in the garbage, he was about to stick his thumb back in his mouth, and I decided to get two birds with one stone. I told him that since he had held his Titi in his hand, that he couldn't suck his thumb anymore, either. When he asked why, I told him it was probably "contaminated" (slightly less than "infected", things were usable after proper decontamination) and that it would take MONTHS to get it clean enough to put back in his mouth. He looked sort of panicked then, but then I reminded him of how much the kids at school teased me about my thumb sucking and how he wouldn't have to go through that, and he was ok again.

He never did miss the Titi after that, and he felt like such a big boy then. Sure, he would still suck his thumb while he was asleep sometimes, but never while awake, and slowly he stopped doing it while asleep too.

And all was good with the world.

I felt so proud. Remind me to tell you about the time I taught my little sister to say estupido when she was around 3. She had a speech impediment and had lots of problems with strong words, so it felt like a total accomplishment to me until my mother very nearly washed my mouth with soap since it was a "bad" word (it means "stupid" in english). Weird. LOL.

Friday, February 29, 2008

My First Tag!!!

Ok, so after days and no posts, I get to post twice in one day, because I have just noticed I've been tagged by Jessie over at love+love=marriage.

Rules:
1. Grab the nearest book of 123 pages or more.
2. Open it to page 123.
3. Find the first 5 sentences and write them down.
4. Then invite 5 friends to do the same.

I'm not currently reading any books, since all of them in my bookcase have been read time and time again, so I just grabbed the closest to my hand, which was Pandora by Anne Rice.

"And in bed? Can you do it in bed?" I asked. I can't say what rage or desperation prompted this question.
He was genuinely shocked. Good sign. His eyes really widened.

Weird, huh? LOL

So now I tag Co or Lo at The Family O, Sarah or BB at Journey of a Co-Mom, Jo Anna or Amy at The adventures of Saia & Chago, Emilin or Brooke at Name that Mama and Cris or Ana at Las Dos Mamis.

Love/Hate Relationship

And no, I'm not talking about my relationship with my girlfriend here, but with my Cell P.hone s.ervice p.rovider.

It's a company called T.elefonica M.ovistar, which services part of Europe and most of Latin America. I'm not sure if they are partnered with any companies in non-spanish or non-portuguese speaking countried though.

So... Why love/hate?

I love them because they are cheap and they have made other companies here in Mexico be really cheap too, just so they can be competitive. You see, here in Mexico almost everyone has a cell. The difference between here and the US, and probably Europe, is that most of the service here is pre-paid. Service plans are saved almost exclusively for a) The company bigwigs or b) The rich people.

Before M.ovistar came along, T.elcel was the king of the world here. It's owned by C.arlos Slim (read fortune 500 or richest guy in Mexico). Being the first cell company here and having most of the "subscribers" (if you can call pre-paid service customer that), they could damn well dictate how much you were to pay for each minute of service. It was between 40-50 US cents A MINUTE.

It was prohibitively expensive, and most of us only had cells for REAL emergencies and even then, most of the time it was only for incoming calls since we had no credit :S

Anyway, along came this new company and started challenging what we all knew. First, they started off with a plan called M.ovistar por llamada, which basically meant that you paid 50 US cents per call (unlimited time) if it was a local call to another cell from the same company or to any land line, or for the same amount you could call any cell from the same company or any land line in the country for 30 mins. Bargain, huh? I mean really, CRAZY CHEAP! If you spoke the full 30 mins (which I sure as hell did) you ended up paying 1.67 US cts per minute.

And international calls to US or Canada cost 1 US dllr per 30 mins. Yes folks, 3.34 US cts per minute.

So everyone got on board. Including T.elcel, which was mighty funny.

Next, they had different promotions, including one where you could call a specific local cell number of the same company for free for a full year, as long as you paid 7 US dllrs upfront to have the connection set up. Many took advantage of this too, including, you guess right, T.elcel. They created a plan just like it.

Then it was the free text messaging for a year for the price you'd already paid for the previous package, and T.elcel did it too.

Then it was a program called P.agamenos, where if your call is 2 mins or under, you're charged by the minute at a rate of 2.5 US cts a minute, and if your call is longer than 2 mins you're charged at the "per call" rate. (Yes, the same 50 cts a call as before). T.elcel... Well, you're getting it, right?

So basically it's been a pricing war between the two companies, with T.elcel having to follow suit (never being original about it) because if they didn't, they'd lose their customer base.

I love the pricing war. It's fun to watch M.ovi come up with something and then T.elcel scrambling to copy it so as not to fall behind. T.elcel isn't even original about the naming of the packages, it's basically the same thing or some synonym.

To me, it's just as well. I like M.ovi and given the fact that their cell phone equipment prices are generally cheaper than T.elcel's, then I stick with them. Also, their reception is better with GSM.

I do enjoy the cheap prices tho, especially since I live alone in the city I'm in, with all of my family living at least 3 hr drive away in a different state. My gf lives 3 hrs away as well, but in flight-speak. So I save a lot of money on LD.

I hate them though, because of their AWFUL c.ustomer service! Getting to a rep is nigh impossible given the voice menu options (I've learned to work around it) and once you -do- get to one, their main responses are "we'll look into it" (no, really?), "no, we're not having any network issues at this time" (yes you are, why the hell do you think I'm calling to let you know?), "well, you should power off your phone, take out the battery, leave it out for 15 mins and then try again" (yeah, that should give your idiot engineers just enough time to resolve their screw-up), "well, if you can't hear the people you're dialing to, but can hear them fine when they call you, then it must be a problem with your phone" (yeah Sherlock? Then how come I can hear YOU just fine and dandy although I called you?). You get the picture.

I am not against out.sourcing. Hell, it's how I have my job. But damnit, do they have to outsource to retards? (No offense to truly disabled people, it's a manner of speech, and I don't tend to be very PR when I'm pissed off).

I'm serious. It seems although as every agent M.ovi hires in Guatemala (that's where their call c.enter is) has to have an IQ of less than 80. They can't even grasp the simplest concepts, and we speak the exact same language. Hell, my mother is Guatemalan, I even know their colloquialisms! I can't even get them to grasp it THEN.

I seriously can't understand it. Either I'm getting spanking brand-new agents each and every time I call (which would mean a hell of a turnover) or I don't know what. I worked for an american cell company called Q.west back in the day when I was a CSR and even though english is NOT my first language, I never had these issues after a week on the job. I used my tools, asked for help when I didn't know something/couldn't find an answer, and gave TAT for when we'd have it, which usually included a callback. If we weren't aware of a certain network problem, the system was intuitive and once a certain number of calls logged popped up regarding the same issue, an alert would be displayed within no more than 60 mins to let us know that there was a problem. When there was a problem, we'd credit people for the time during which the problem was caused, if it had affected anything.

*sigh*

I get even more pissed because I can imagine their poor QA people (like me) pulling their hair out by the handfuls when they listen to the calls. I know I do.

You have any rants about a specific company?

Monday, February 25, 2008

Hard Times

So, yesterday I said I was going to talk about my first breakdown. This isn't a very pleasant topic for me, so you'll excuse me if I jump around a lot while telling it.

It was around February 2003. I had been at my job around 3 yrs and a half. Since at that time I was still a c.ustomer service rep at the C.all Center I work at, jobs were not very stable. I had just been transferred twice because two accounts had been closed, and I had been passed up for promotions more times than I'd like to count. At the time, I was busy doing cold calls to promote c.redit cards (which I HATED) and I wasn't doing too well, since selling something I don't appreciate myself is not my forte. I was nervous I was going to lose my job, and having just closed on a house, I couldn't afford to be laid off.

To top that all off, I was scraping money together to be able to put in the kitchen, the closets and the protective fence and bars. I was also having problems with my gf of the time, and I felt like our nearly 4 year relationship was faltering badly.

I was extremely stressed, I wasn't sleeping right. Not even sleeping pills helped, either prescription or non-prescription ones. My g.astritis and my irritable b.owel syndrome weren't helping either.

I had been having these weird dreams. They generally were of me walking down the street, and then for some reason or another, I would start to pedal my legs and I would start rising from the ground, and as long as I kept pedaling, I kept flying. They tended to be very real. Now, I had had these dreams before, periodically, especially in periods of my life where I was feeling overwhelmed, but they usually happened every year or so. I was having them almost every night.

One day, after I left work and was walking to the bus stop, I simply lost my grip on reality. I was standing at the crosswalk waiting for the light to change, and I began to feel that I could simply start to pedal my legs and I could fly over the passing cars to get to the bus stop faster. I started to walk into traffic, and if it hadn't been for someone who grabbed my arm and stopped me, I would have walked right into traffic at rush hour and been badly hurt.

I can't remember a lot after that. The next thing I remember was my gf taking me to the ER because I couldn't stop crying. I don't know if I walked to her work after this happened, or if I got home and it happened afterwards. All I know is that I was in the ER, being looked at by a psychiatrist. He prescribed a lot of pills, most of which made me very sleepy. I remember having to take d.iazepam, c.lonazepam and z.oloft. After a few days, since I couldn't function at work, I just kept taking the z.oloft exclusively.

I couldn't believe the change. I felt normal again. It's hard to describe. I felt stable. Like the difference between riding a rollercoaster and switching to It's a s.mall world. I finally felt like I could handle my life again.

I didn't like to take pills, however, and after I finished a month of treatment, I stopped them. I felt fine, so I didn't think I'd need them anymore. My dad's a doctor, and he always instilled in me the idea that psychiatry and psychology were a load of bull, and that only real nutcases need it. Do I still believe that? Hell no, but at the time I was only 25 and had never had any experience with mental disorders (that I could recognize at the time).

I was fine for a while. I felt ok, was doing good. All my economic problems were resolved (for the time), my relationship had improved and I had finally gotten the promotion I had been seeking for a very long time. Life seemed to be going very good, and I was back on track.

So there you have it... That was the first one.

I will tell you about the second one, but that will be for another day.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Oscar night

In honor of tonight's event, I'm going to partially use this post to give a "thank you" speech...

Thank you to all of those that inspired me to start my own blog, because it has helped me very much, it has been my therapy and my way to stay sane while everything around me is maddening.

Thank you to all of you that are still reading this blog, despite the fact that the posts go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and... you get the drift.

Thank you to all of those that take enough time to leave a comments, believe me, your input is greatly appreciated and very much welcome. I enjoy knowing that there are people out there that take that moment of their time to let me know that my ramblings don't fall on deaf ears, that at least I resonate with someone else's experience.

Frankly, I was doing really bad before I started this thing. My anxieties had started back up again, I was lashing out at everyone and anyone for ANY reason, I was starting to become depressed a lot again... I was basically spiraling to another breakdown, in a nutshell.

This may or may not have been caused by my hormonal problems, but there you have it. I was about to crack once more.

Writing this blog has reminded me of how I used to write as a teenager to vent all my frustrations and that that is how I managed to survive all that time without having to take medication. Writing is sort of my therapy, the glue that holds me together, and for one reason or another, I had stopped doing it like 8 years ago or so, and it had caused a buildup inside of me that had made me pop more than once.

Both times were not pretty. Both are things I'd rather forget. But as they say, "She who does not know the past is bound to repeat it" (or something to the effect) so as painful as those memories are, I hold on to them in the hope that I will not let myself get to the point where I was when they happened.

Tomorrow, I will recount the first of those breakdowns... You will be the judge whether I am totally nuts or not.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Better now...

Well, it seems I -was- hormonal.

I have been taking the pills for almost a month and a half now, and it's as if, along with helping regulate my period, someone had put me on anti-depressant medication.

I feel a lot more stable emotionally speaking, my gf and I are finally working through all the things that have happened during this past week (particularly a day during which I was especially nasty to her) and it seems all is finally going to be well.

I am really tired, but that just comes from being overstressed from work.

I came out to a friend today, and that was good. It's a Basset Hound breeder from whom I'd bought Freddie, and although initially we only spoke about the puppy I was purchasing, our love for dogs and our common fields of interest made us friends. He is a very nice man, around my age, and he's very smart and educated, something I admire greatly. We've always been on usted terms (the formal way to address someone in spanish) but even through that we've become friends. He took it surprisingly well, actually. A lot better than a few people who I thought were closer friends to me. Odd.

Anyway, this will be a short(er) post than the others, since I'm rather sleepy and I think I'm gonna have to work through the weekend. Hope everyone that reads my blog had a good week and that you'll have a wonderful weekend.

Before I go...

Has anyone had one of those moments where you're just suddenly REALLY grateful for all you have? Out of the blue? That suddenly you just realize how lucky you are and have a really good feeling about your life because although you may not have everything you want, you have everything you NEED?

I had one of those right now. Sitting here, in the TV room, with my cat by my side, a stomach full of albondigas en caldo de chipotle and having just watched a show I like. I just realized how lucky I am. I am alive, I have a roof over my head, a good job, a nice TV, an old and beat-up but working car, a loving kitty, a gf who is trying to be better for me, good food, family that cares, someplace to call my own... But above all, a life that's mine to achieve any goals that I want as long as I try hard enough.

It's all good...

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I'm hormonal

At least, I think that's what's been going on with me.

***WARNING***

Detailed and very descriptive narration about the female menstrual cycle upcoming... Skip this post if you're nauseaous.

So anyway. I hadn't blogged about this, but I've been having some serious menstrual cycle issues. It all started back in November.

I'm usually a very regular-cycle person, ranging from 28-30 days. Usually my period was always on the 3rd-4th of each month, give or take a day. In November, I attended the wedding of a dear friend and co-worker of mine that fell on the 3rd. I was prepared, of course, and sure enough, that night (at the party, no less) I felt the tug that signaled my period.

I was very surprised a few hours later to find that the tampon was NOT soaked through, since I'm usually a heavy bleeder. I shrugged it off and was actually kind of glad since I was wearing a white patterned dress, and certainly did not feel up for an "accident".

The next day was pretty much the same, and I think I spotted for about a week before I actually had my period, the usual 5-day event. Afterwards though, I spotted for about another week.

December came, and with it, on the 5th, came spotting and light bleeding off/on. This lasted until around the 23rd, when my period FINALLY came. It lasted it's 5 day run, and then stopped. No spotting.

January came around, and my period started on the 3rd, so I figured, Hey, it's back to normal!

Guess again.

After about 10 days on a heavy period, I decided to finally drag my ass to the gynecologist. He gave me an ultrasound and there were no cysts or tumors, so I was afraid I was having clotting issues. I've known for a while I have a certain problem where if I don't consume vitamin K pills on a somewhat regular basis, I will not clot right, my clotting time will be looooong. However, he said I was probably having hormonal issues and prescribed hormone therapy. Just to be on the safe side, he also added vitamin K and a clotting agent.

I took the pills and my period DID become lighter, however, it did not cease. I went to the doctor again, with some lab results which he said meant I did not have endometrial cancer (relief!) but was baffled as to why I wouldn't stop bleeding. He said if it didn't stop soon, he'd have to do a D & C (dilation and curettage) to remove the endometrium (the lining of the uterus) just in case THAT was the cause of it, but he'd have to get blood work first just in case I was still having clotting issues, because if I was, a D & C could kill me.

I freaked. Simple as that. Plus, I was doing all of this consultation outside of my insurance and couldn't afford any more tests, medicine or procedures. Health care here in Mexico is sort of complicated. We have a mandatory certain amount based on how much we earn taken each month and destined for health and social security. In return, we get free doctor's visits, free medicine, free lab tests, hospitalization, whatever, you name it, we got it. However, since every single working person in Mexico has this, it also means they're swamped. When I went to my general practitioner (1st step in the governmental health system) to see what they could do in regards to my problem, he told me he'd set up an appointment with the specialist (gynecologist) so he could check me out. Earliest appointment he could get was a little over a month afterwards.

Figuring I'd have bled out by then, I went to the private sector. Boy, was it expensive. Considering that minimum wage here is 15o USD a MONTH!!!, I spent over a month's worth of minimum wage between consult, lab and medicine, all of this despite the fact that the doctor only charged 20 USD for the visit (and only once). It was all of my saving's worth. I was broke. I couldn't afford anything else.

To top it all off, it was end of the month at my work, and I had results to turn in. My numbers hadn't been that great (since I hadn't been feeling well) and I needed to make up for backed-up work. I decided to postpone the visit to the government doctor until the 1st of february.

Magically, around the 22nd I stopped bleeding. It was heaven. I was glad. All was right with the world again. I researched, and since my pills were for 21 days, with a 7 day window before the next box, I should get my period around 10 days after, which was around 5 days after I stopped taking the pills.

I was right on target. I also stopped bleeding about 5 days after I started taking the pills, which was a total relief.

So, period back to normal for now.

What the heck is my problem then?

My temper. Ever since November my temper has been all over the place. I'm usually a very patient, calm and rational human being, but these few months I have become the unexpected rage monster. I will get majorly pissed at the drop of a hat. No notice. No real reason.

I don't know what's come over me lately, but I don't like it.

Has anyone experienced anything like this before? Will it go away after taking the pills for a few more months? I was told by my doctor that I should take them for 6-12 months, and I HAVE noticed a slight improvement on my temper, and I'm feeling a bit better, but I'm afraid that it won't go totally back to normal, and even more afraid of what will happen once I stop taking them.

Anyone have a clue?

*help*

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Cats

So today's post won't be a rant... Ok, it might end up being so if I can think of something to rant about (this is my therapy here people, be nice, it gets me through the day, and it's free!).

Have I ever mentioned how much I love cats?

I am one totally crazy cat-person. Don't get me wrong. I love ALL animals, but cats are just my absolute favorites. Wouldn't change them for the world.


I own a male cat right now, his name is Rito. His name is derived from (and short for) the word negrito in spanish, which means "little black one". He is 4 years old, black all over, has gorgeous green/yellow eyes, and is the MOST loving animal you have ever met. Some days, I think he believes he's 1)a dog, or 2) my kid. This depends on the mood he's in, of course.

Every day, when I come home from work, he'll greet me at the door meowing his little heart out. He'll cry until I pick him up and hug him and give him a good bunch of kisses, after which he'll pretend he's disgusted and wriggle out of my arms. After this, he'll follow me all around the house everywhere, no matter where I go (even to the bathroom!), and once I'm down, he's up on my lap. He curls up just so, and lays his head on my stomach and puts his arm around my waist (ok, where my waist -should- be) and just falls asleep purring. Should I need to have my laptop on my lap, then he scoots over to the side of my leg and still lays his head and his front paws wherever they fit between my laptop and my stomach. He'll always purr nonstop when he's with me.

He is such a good boy in other aspects too. He never does his business outside his litterbox, he will not eat ANYTHING that is not his cat food, except when I give him bits of raw meat, and he NEVER begs for food or bugs me while I'm eating.

Whenever I'm feeling sick or lonely, he's always right there by my side and rubbing his chin against me trying to make me feel better. He is so just my little baby.

He gets so apprehensive when I'm gone. When I go on vacations, I ask my housekeeper (who usually comes only twice a month) to come every other day to clean his litter and put out fresh water and food, and her kids LOVE my cat and have known him since I brought him home, but even then, he gets so upset when I'm not here that he just pukes all the time.

And he's so in tune with my emotions too. One time, when my gf was here, she and I were having a really bad time, and about halfway through my work day she called me to get home THEN. I told her to wait til I got out for the day, and when I came home I realized why she wanted me home... My cat had puked, pooed and peed underneath the chair she was sitting... He was trying to kick her out of the house in his way!!! He did not want her there if we were having problems!

I just love my cat.

I am going to get a dog in september, a purebred black & silver miniature schnauzer (got hooked on the breed when I was like 17, will tell you all about that in a later post) and now I'm ready to have another, since Frida passed away 3 years ago and I've mourned her enough.

But I'm worried. Frida lived with my parents, so my cat and her never met. He had a "brother" cat, but he ran away a few months ago. So now he's an only child, and spoiled rotten attention-wise. I'm worried that he won't like his new dog-sister and he'll fall ill or something.

About two years ago, I got my gf a basset hound puppy and gave it to her as a surprise here in Leon, and they got to meet and interact for 3 weeks, and he was fine, but I wasn't lavishing attention on the puppy, so I don't know how he'll feel once the new addition comes to live here.

Plus this new dog would be here permanently, which would mean actually getting along with it, not just hopping out of its way whenever it came near.

Have any ideas people? I really really want to make this work, because I am a schnauzer lover as much as I am a cat lover. Plus I already gave a down payment for the dog with the breeder I'm working with.

Oh well, any thoughts?

P.S.- Just like with babies, NEVER apply immunization to an animal that is ill. My gf and I didn't know this at the time, and at about a year old, she immunized Freddie the basset against canine distemper while he had an ear infection. The veterinarian didn't say anything about it, and he was the one treating the dog for it. Well, we found out the VERY hard way it should -never- be done. He got distemper. It is a very, very painful illness and an awful way to die for any animal.

He was treated for over a month, but in the end he was too ill to continue fighting, and he was finally put to rest by a different vet who was the one that told us he shouldn't have been vaccinated.

Please read up on all adverse effects a medication might have before you give anything to an animal that is ill, it could cost it its life.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Nothing in particular

Today I'm just going to post random rants... And maybe a thing or two more...

First. Why do some girls act like boys? (and I'm speaking specifically of lesbians here) I really can't understand it.

I'm a girl. The fact that I'm attracted to girls doesn't mean I have to act like a boy. Some girls (my gf included) have some really bad gender confusion issues going on. She's not guyish looking, that's not what I mean. I can understand why some girls would rather dress like guys, it's more comfortable I guess.

But act like them? My gf tends to be "macho" sometimes. As in saying she is the one that gets to make all the decisions and I have to defer to her and stuff like that. I don't know. Does that happen everywhere or just here in Mexico where machismo is prevalent?

She also insists on watching soccer (the national sport here) ALL the time. Kind of like NFL for american folks. She will be utterly mad and lash out at anyone and everyone if her team loses.

I dunno. Please someone explain this to me.

Another thing. Why is it that most lesbians here (and from what I've read in a few blogs, it seems I'm not alone) just want to go out to bars and get wasted and sleep around with anything that is female?

I got sick of the club scene when I was around 21. We start early here in Mexico, trust me, I had a good 7 years to party and get crazy... But I never slept around. I think I had like 1 one-night stand IN MY WHOLE LIFE. And it was a weekend thing.

If you want to have a lesbian friend here, she better have a gf. Because most single lesbians will only become your friend if a) She's hot for you, b) She's hot for your gf, or c) You know someone she wants to sleep with.

I don't get it. Everyone here has slept with everyone else. You know that diagram Alice from the L Word has? Well, here in Mexico (most places in Mexico I know) everyone is separated from everyone else by like... 2 lesbians. Especially if they're under 25. Oh yeah. The young'uns are VERY promiscuous. So much more so than those over 25... And around the same amount as those over 40... (yeah, the older ones here sleep around a lot).

Making friends here is really hard. *sigh* Most of my friends are gay males or straight people. I wish lesbians here were trustworthy... It says a lot that my gf is from like half a country away, doesn't it?

Don't get me wrong. I'm very grateful for lots of stuff I have. Like the fact that my mom has finally learned to accept who I am after 10 years. She even has a very cordial relationship with my gf.

Or that I own my own car (even if it IS a beat-up 1994 VW bug)

Or for my friends, and my family, and that everyone I care about is healthy.

Or even a sunny, or cloudy morning. Just the fact of waking up in the morning is something to be thankful for. (No, I'm not ill, it's just knowing that I have one more day when other people don't, you know?)

But there's just so many things that confuse me and drive me nuts.

I know I'm not really making a lot of sense right now, but it's just that all these ideas have been coming and going for a while, and I still haven't nailed them down yet.

Oh Gawd which brings me to a nasty commercial I just saw on TV right now.

It's for Coca-C*la zero. It's a different type here in Mexico which is still sugarless, but doesn't taste like a diet drink. It has no aspartame, I think. I personally like Diet better, but whatever, I guess some people liked the "regular" taste but didn't want all the calories.

Thing is, they're making these commercials to say it got better-tasting. And they mention several examples of things that have improved at something, and one of them is a lady doing a MILLION things while DRIVING!!! I mean, they are actually PROMOTING people to eat, write on a laptop, do their makeup, speak on a cellphone and I can't even remember what else WHILE DRIVING!!!

ARE THEY COMPLETE IDIOTS?

I can't believe Mexican advertising sometimes.

Ugh.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

This is the straw that broke the camel's back...

Ok so you'll forgive me if I don't make a lot of sense right now, but I'm mighty pissed.

You know how I said I'd been having problems with my gf? Well, I think she might have just blown it totally, at least from my perspective.

We have been having problems because after I finally decided to take the first step and move to Mexicali (a border town between Mexico and California), she told me she would move here instead so I wouldn't have to leave my job, my house, and probably my pets too. Thing was, she had no job over there anyway and was (at that time, about a year ago) on unemployment, and said she would instead save up enough to open up a small business down here.

Fast forward a full year later. She still isn't here. She still doesn't have a job. She still hasn't saved up enough from her checks to open up A FREAKING LEMONADE STAND here.

She hasn't looked for a job either. She's one of those people that feels she's entitled to stuff, and that things should come HER way, without her having to go look for them. It's as if she's expecting a job offer to fall outta the sky just for her. Oh, and a good paying job, at that.

Yet she expects me to remain calm and keep waiting for her.

She didn't used to be this way. She had a really good job in an office, worked very long hours, she LIKES to work, which is what makes this whole thing very ironic. She just hates LOOKING for work. She feels that since she was born in the USA, she -deserves- a good job. Never mind the fact that she speaks like THREE WORDS OF ENGLISH. Which pretty much makes her ineligible to work, oh, ANYWHERE in the U.S. except maybe the fields or a mexican restaurant (if even there).

I can't believe the people who have the nerve to declare they don't need to learn a second language, especially if it's the language of the country they were BORN in dammit!

I am SOOO pissed right now... But it's not even because of what's been mentioned above. That's something I had somewhat come to terms with.

A week ago, my lovely gf lets me know that she lost the engagement ring I gave her when she first came to visit me. Mind you, it's not a big deal, just a very simple white gold band with a small cubic zirconia. It cost me less than 100 USD (all I could afford at the time). But it's the principle, you know? I gave it to her with all my heart. My soul went with that ring. I immediately told her to look for it. RIGHT THEN. She said yes, of course.

Yesterday, I asked her about the ring. She said she hadn't even looked. My anger level started rising rapidly. I demanded that she start looking for it THAT INSTANT. She said she couldn't, since her aunt and cousins were already asleep and she couldn't start making a ruckus. Ok, I told her to look for it all day today UNTIL SHE FOUND THE DAMN THING. She said she would.

Fast forward all day today. I asked her a couple of hours ago if she'd found the ring. She said no. I asked her if she'd looked. She said yes, but that she still hadn't checked the vacuum. I told her to check it, and she said she couldn't. I asked her why.

She said she was going out to a gay bar with a bunch of lezzie friends. (If anyone finds the term demeaning, I apologize, but I am uber pissed right now and those "friends" of hers are scum to me right now)

I cannot describe how I felt at that moment. There was rage. There was sadness. There was a fierce desire to just break things off right then and there. I wish I had. I wish I could. Problem is, I love her. But I can't stand her anymore at the same time. I wish I knew what to do and how to do it.

I've tried breaking off with her before. Just ending things. But 3 days later, she comes to me, asks me to please give her another chance, that this time she'll really do as she promised, that this time she'll try harder. And I believe her. Because that empty, hurting place in my heart really WANTS to believe her. But it's all the same again.

I mean, it's not like she's abusive, or she's mean to me, or any of those other things that are CLEAR signals to run like hell from someone. She's always been faithful, she has never broken a promise, and she does truly love me and care for my wellbeing.

I am so confused. I don't know what to do anymore.

Top this all off with the fact that my ex, my first true love, has come back to court me. Yeah, she dumped me for someone else a few years ago. Yeah, she broke my heart. Thing is, I think she's changed. She's been going to a psychologist for over a year now, and we have talked and she seems genuinely sorry for what she put me through.

And I am confused. I think I never really stopped loving this person, despite the hell we put each other through during our few last months together. But I also know I love my current gf. Very much, since it obviously really hurt me to find out that she lost the engagement ring I gave her. But I'm also really disappointed in her. And my ex is sooo much closer (3 hr flight and 2 hr bus ride vs 1 hr bus ride, and she can move here NOW).

I don't know what to do. I've been trying like mad to salvage my current relationship for about a year now, and I'm just about to give up.

Anyone have a crystal ball?

*sigh*

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Introduction


Well, I'll have to warn you that this post is definitely going to be long... But if you hang in there, you might learn a bit about who I am.

To be fair to you, I guess most of my posts will be rather long because I tend to rant. Hence the name of the blog. But oh well, hope you can at least relate to some of it.

So here I am. My first post. I don't really know where to start, so I guess I'll do it chronologically.

I was born in Guadalajara, Jalisco, Mexico, on November 18, 1977. My mom was living in Puerto Vallarta at the time, since she was working for an airline called Hughes Air West. My dad was off in Queretaro somewhere doing his Medical School residency. When my mom bought me back to P.V., I became very sick, so I was left in Guadalajara in the care of my maternal grandmother, abuelita Gloria (just abuelita to me). I had a very happy childhood there. Five of the happiest years of my life. But as they say, all good things come to an end, and I was finally taken back to P.V. to live with my parents. By that time, I already had a little sister, A.V., and so I was thrust from being an "only" child at my abuelita's, to being a big sister to a very fragile preemie child.

That was the beginning of my problems. My sister was born at around 24 weeks into the pregnancy, weighing just a little over a pound. She was kept in an incubator for the first 4 months of her life, and the doctors terrified my mother into thinking my sister would be a very fragile and probably somewhat retarded child, which led my parents (especially my father) to become very overprotective and overbearing with her.

Anyway. So I was thrust upon a role I didn't want, and relegated to a far second place in my parents' life when I had been the apple of my abuelita's eye up until then. To top it all off, my mother and father had always wanted a boy, and I wasn't one. This fact was compounded when my little brother P.M. was born. My sister was a little over 3 years younger than I was, my brother a little under 6 years. My sister was daddy's girl, and my brother a momma's boy. I was the eldest, stuck in the uncomfortable "middle child" position.

Given the family dynamics (and the fact that my parents shouldn't ever have married in the first place... Yeah, really dysfunctional family) I was a lot happier at school than at home, so I became an overachiever in that area, which didn't bring me too many friends. I was the typical know-it-all trying to cope with a difficult family situation by being a grown up in a kid's body, and the other children hated me for it.

So on went my life, with twice yearly respites when I went to abuelita's during summer and winter vacations. Until I was like 8, and my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Well, actually they first thought she had Parkinson's, and was institutionalized, and then they diagnosed her as psychotic, and gave her shock therapy, which just caused everything to worsen. To this day it is still painful to remember my abuelita as what she became, versus the loving woman I grew up with.

My abuelita and me



When I was 11, my abuelita finally passed away. A few months before that, my mother, Y.S., and her sister V.G., took all of us kids, Me, my sister A.V., my brother P.M., and my cousin A.V.M. to see my abuelita for the last time. She didn't recognize her own daughters, so you can safely assume she couldn't recognize her grandchildren either. Except for me. When I came close, her eyes lost the glaze that was over them, and she gave me her bendicion (this is a catholic ritual where the sign of the cross is made onto someone). I was the only one she did that with. It is my last memory of her.

Things went downhill from there. My dad did something that caused him to have to get out of town for about 2 years, and we had a really hard time financially as well as emotionally and things were really hard for me at school, my only haven. i had to work at my parents' business, so social life was out of the question. My day consisted of getting up, going to school, getting out of school, and going to work from 2 pm to 10 pm as a clerk at my parents' pharmacy. Very hard on me, being that I was only 12 at the time. Things went rapidly downhill for that period, but then dad was able to come back, and something wonderful happened. I met my sister C.E. She is my dad's daughter from his second marriage (I have 3 older sisters from 3 different women... yeah, my dad is a philanderer). Well, C.E. changed my life. She became a true big sister to me. She helped me through the nasty teenage years, and, truth be told, I don't know what would have become of me if not for her. She basically saved me.

Fast forward a couple of years, and I was doing a lot better. I finally had friends, I was doing great in school again, and for my senior year in High School, I went to spend a year in the USA with my mom's sister V.G. and my cousin A.V.M. I had a wonderful time there, since I already had an excellent knowledge of english thanks to my grade school classes and living in a total tourist town. I made a lot of friends and learned a lot, and I also learned to relate better to people (something that's always been hard for me).

I came back to Mexico, and did senior year over again since USA High School curriculum is (no offense) very inferior to Mexico's, and I wouldn't be allowed to go into University with those classes. I made a lot of friends in my senior year in Mexico, and retained some of the old ones. Although I still felt like an outsider, I was able to relate to my peers better, and handled interpersonal relations in a much more successful fashion.

I graduated High School with honors, and was the top score on the admissions test to Medical School here in Mexico, in the Universidad de Guadalajara. I was happy there, since I had finally gotten away from my family in P.V. (not my siblings, I loved them, although we didn't always get along, it was my parents I was trying to escape). I was also getting along a LOT better with my father's family, which had until then avoided me because I wasn't very nice. I had changed though, and I was finally accepted into the family with open arms. I did well in school, not trying too hard, just finally being my age and doing things people my age do.

Then I discovered (or rather, finally accepted) that I was attracted to women. I was 19 at the time, and after having relationships with guys and even going so far as going to bed with one to prove myself straight, I finally conceded that I was a lesbian. I fell in love with a girl from the US living in Mexico at the time, but shortly after I went back home for vacations and my parents found out about me.

It was hell. My parents freaked, cried, got mad, and totally rejected me. They said I had to either become straight, or lose my family and support for school. Well, that did it. After 20 years of my parents running my life in every way, including who I could be friends with, where and when I went somewhere, even what kind of clothes I could wear, I was fed up. I made them believe I gave up to their whims to please them (as I always had) and once I was safely back in Guadalajara, I fled.

My parents managed to disrupt my life even then, though, because they found out my gf's parents' phone number in the USA, and brought them up to date with everything. They were Mexican-American, and they were not pleased. They came down here and took her back.

So I was alone, with no family (since my father had forbidden his family to have anything to do with me) and no money. Thankfully, my father's sister A.L. disregarded him completely and would not withdraw her support. I guess it helped that she is only 9 years older than me and was my confidant and already knew about everything, but still, her support was invaluable to me. I was also helped by a cousin of mine, an illegitimate son of one of my father's brothers, who just happened to be gay as well, and whose mom always supported him. I went to live with them for about a month while I got a job, and then moved into a casa de asistencia, sort of like a "boarding house" where you rent out a room (shared or not) from the landlady/landlord.

I worked, initially, as a secretary/receptionist/general "gopher" girl for a whiteboard factory. After that, I worked at the Hard Rock Cafe in Guadalajara. I went through a few girlfriends during that period, which was about a year, until I met M.E. She was from Leon, Guanajuato, and I was in love instantly. She had come to Guadalajara for a meeting of girls from a lesbian channel in IRC. I started traveling back and forth from Gdl to Leon in order to visit her, until we finally became a couple, and I moved.

It was hard once more, because jobs were scarce, I had basically no savings, and I had no local job references. I worked as a clerk for a pharmacy, as a waitress in a bar, as a busgirl in a restaurant, a waitress at another, a cashier at an office supplies store, and finally a CSR in a Call Center. I started to grow with that company, and eventually became a QA there, but meanwhile my relationship was falling apart. After 5 years, we had become very hostile towards one another, and everything became very destructive. It all ended when I learned she was cheating on me. I was devastated. She had sworn she would always love me, and I had always believed her. My world had finally fallen apart.

I had a series of very bad relationships after that, including one that left me highly in debt. This left my self-confidence even worse than it had been to begin with. It seemed I was attracting only the wrong kind of person. Or at least, this is what I thought.

With my last relationship, I think I've found something out. It's not that I attracted the wrong sort of person, but that I made them into the wrong sort of person. Through my insecurities, my clingyness, my co-dependency, I turned a good relationship into a bad one. It's something I'm working on with S.L., my current gf. It's hard though, because it's a long distance relationship (good lesbians are hard to come by here) and we're still working on getting together after 2 years. It's harder since she's Mexican-American (born in the USA) and she feels (rightly so) that she wouldn't be able to make as much money here as in the USA (she lives in a border town on Mexico's side). So she's trying to save up enough money to start up her own business here, but it's been slow, especially since we both felt the need to see each other often (every 3 months) and spending on trips does not help to save money.

So now, I'm working on trying to patch up my relationship with S.L. and meet my lifelong dream of becoming a mother as well as having a fulfilling relationship with a woman I love. It's going to be a bumpy ride, and I'm not sure if we'll make it, but only time will tell...