Here's my ticker!

Friday, February 29, 2008

My First Tag!!!

Ok, so after days and no posts, I get to post twice in one day, because I have just noticed I've been tagged by Jessie over at love+love=marriage.

Rules:
1. Grab the nearest book of 123 pages or more.
2. Open it to page 123.
3. Find the first 5 sentences and write them down.
4. Then invite 5 friends to do the same.

I'm not currently reading any books, since all of them in my bookcase have been read time and time again, so I just grabbed the closest to my hand, which was Pandora by Anne Rice.

"And in bed? Can you do it in bed?" I asked. I can't say what rage or desperation prompted this question.
He was genuinely shocked. Good sign. His eyes really widened.

Weird, huh? LOL

So now I tag Co or Lo at The Family O, Sarah or BB at Journey of a Co-Mom, Jo Anna or Amy at The adventures of Saia & Chago, Emilin or Brooke at Name that Mama and Cris or Ana at Las Dos Mamis.

Love/Hate Relationship

And no, I'm not talking about my relationship with my girlfriend here, but with my Cell P.hone s.ervice p.rovider.

It's a company called T.elefonica M.ovistar, which services part of Europe and most of Latin America. I'm not sure if they are partnered with any companies in non-spanish or non-portuguese speaking countried though.

So... Why love/hate?

I love them because they are cheap and they have made other companies here in Mexico be really cheap too, just so they can be competitive. You see, here in Mexico almost everyone has a cell. The difference between here and the US, and probably Europe, is that most of the service here is pre-paid. Service plans are saved almost exclusively for a) The company bigwigs or b) The rich people.

Before M.ovistar came along, T.elcel was the king of the world here. It's owned by C.arlos Slim (read fortune 500 or richest guy in Mexico). Being the first cell company here and having most of the "subscribers" (if you can call pre-paid service customer that), they could damn well dictate how much you were to pay for each minute of service. It was between 40-50 US cents A MINUTE.

It was prohibitively expensive, and most of us only had cells for REAL emergencies and even then, most of the time it was only for incoming calls since we had no credit :S

Anyway, along came this new company and started challenging what we all knew. First, they started off with a plan called M.ovistar por llamada, which basically meant that you paid 50 US cents per call (unlimited time) if it was a local call to another cell from the same company or to any land line, or for the same amount you could call any cell from the same company or any land line in the country for 30 mins. Bargain, huh? I mean really, CRAZY CHEAP! If you spoke the full 30 mins (which I sure as hell did) you ended up paying 1.67 US cts per minute.

And international calls to US or Canada cost 1 US dllr per 30 mins. Yes folks, 3.34 US cts per minute.

So everyone got on board. Including T.elcel, which was mighty funny.

Next, they had different promotions, including one where you could call a specific local cell number of the same company for free for a full year, as long as you paid 7 US dllrs upfront to have the connection set up. Many took advantage of this too, including, you guess right, T.elcel. They created a plan just like it.

Then it was the free text messaging for a year for the price you'd already paid for the previous package, and T.elcel did it too.

Then it was a program called P.agamenos, where if your call is 2 mins or under, you're charged by the minute at a rate of 2.5 US cts a minute, and if your call is longer than 2 mins you're charged at the "per call" rate. (Yes, the same 50 cts a call as before). T.elcel... Well, you're getting it, right?

So basically it's been a pricing war between the two companies, with T.elcel having to follow suit (never being original about it) because if they didn't, they'd lose their customer base.

I love the pricing war. It's fun to watch M.ovi come up with something and then T.elcel scrambling to copy it so as not to fall behind. T.elcel isn't even original about the naming of the packages, it's basically the same thing or some synonym.

To me, it's just as well. I like M.ovi and given the fact that their cell phone equipment prices are generally cheaper than T.elcel's, then I stick with them. Also, their reception is better with GSM.

I do enjoy the cheap prices tho, especially since I live alone in the city I'm in, with all of my family living at least 3 hr drive away in a different state. My gf lives 3 hrs away as well, but in flight-speak. So I save a lot of money on LD.

I hate them though, because of their AWFUL c.ustomer service! Getting to a rep is nigh impossible given the voice menu options (I've learned to work around it) and once you -do- get to one, their main responses are "we'll look into it" (no, really?), "no, we're not having any network issues at this time" (yes you are, why the hell do you think I'm calling to let you know?), "well, you should power off your phone, take out the battery, leave it out for 15 mins and then try again" (yeah, that should give your idiot engineers just enough time to resolve their screw-up), "well, if you can't hear the people you're dialing to, but can hear them fine when they call you, then it must be a problem with your phone" (yeah Sherlock? Then how come I can hear YOU just fine and dandy although I called you?). You get the picture.

I am not against out.sourcing. Hell, it's how I have my job. But damnit, do they have to outsource to retards? (No offense to truly disabled people, it's a manner of speech, and I don't tend to be very PR when I'm pissed off).

I'm serious. It seems although as every agent M.ovi hires in Guatemala (that's where their call c.enter is) has to have an IQ of less than 80. They can't even grasp the simplest concepts, and we speak the exact same language. Hell, my mother is Guatemalan, I even know their colloquialisms! I can't even get them to grasp it THEN.

I seriously can't understand it. Either I'm getting spanking brand-new agents each and every time I call (which would mean a hell of a turnover) or I don't know what. I worked for an american cell company called Q.west back in the day when I was a CSR and even though english is NOT my first language, I never had these issues after a week on the job. I used my tools, asked for help when I didn't know something/couldn't find an answer, and gave TAT for when we'd have it, which usually included a callback. If we weren't aware of a certain network problem, the system was intuitive and once a certain number of calls logged popped up regarding the same issue, an alert would be displayed within no more than 60 mins to let us know that there was a problem. When there was a problem, we'd credit people for the time during which the problem was caused, if it had affected anything.

*sigh*

I get even more pissed because I can imagine their poor QA people (like me) pulling their hair out by the handfuls when they listen to the calls. I know I do.

You have any rants about a specific company?

Monday, February 25, 2008

Hard Times

So, yesterday I said I was going to talk about my first breakdown. This isn't a very pleasant topic for me, so you'll excuse me if I jump around a lot while telling it.

It was around February 2003. I had been at my job around 3 yrs and a half. Since at that time I was still a c.ustomer service rep at the C.all Center I work at, jobs were not very stable. I had just been transferred twice because two accounts had been closed, and I had been passed up for promotions more times than I'd like to count. At the time, I was busy doing cold calls to promote c.redit cards (which I HATED) and I wasn't doing too well, since selling something I don't appreciate myself is not my forte. I was nervous I was going to lose my job, and having just closed on a house, I couldn't afford to be laid off.

To top that all off, I was scraping money together to be able to put in the kitchen, the closets and the protective fence and bars. I was also having problems with my gf of the time, and I felt like our nearly 4 year relationship was faltering badly.

I was extremely stressed, I wasn't sleeping right. Not even sleeping pills helped, either prescription or non-prescription ones. My g.astritis and my irritable b.owel syndrome weren't helping either.

I had been having these weird dreams. They generally were of me walking down the street, and then for some reason or another, I would start to pedal my legs and I would start rising from the ground, and as long as I kept pedaling, I kept flying. They tended to be very real. Now, I had had these dreams before, periodically, especially in periods of my life where I was feeling overwhelmed, but they usually happened every year or so. I was having them almost every night.

One day, after I left work and was walking to the bus stop, I simply lost my grip on reality. I was standing at the crosswalk waiting for the light to change, and I began to feel that I could simply start to pedal my legs and I could fly over the passing cars to get to the bus stop faster. I started to walk into traffic, and if it hadn't been for someone who grabbed my arm and stopped me, I would have walked right into traffic at rush hour and been badly hurt.

I can't remember a lot after that. The next thing I remember was my gf taking me to the ER because I couldn't stop crying. I don't know if I walked to her work after this happened, or if I got home and it happened afterwards. All I know is that I was in the ER, being looked at by a psychiatrist. He prescribed a lot of pills, most of which made me very sleepy. I remember having to take d.iazepam, c.lonazepam and z.oloft. After a few days, since I couldn't function at work, I just kept taking the z.oloft exclusively.

I couldn't believe the change. I felt normal again. It's hard to describe. I felt stable. Like the difference between riding a rollercoaster and switching to It's a s.mall world. I finally felt like I could handle my life again.

I didn't like to take pills, however, and after I finished a month of treatment, I stopped them. I felt fine, so I didn't think I'd need them anymore. My dad's a doctor, and he always instilled in me the idea that psychiatry and psychology were a load of bull, and that only real nutcases need it. Do I still believe that? Hell no, but at the time I was only 25 and had never had any experience with mental disorders (that I could recognize at the time).

I was fine for a while. I felt ok, was doing good. All my economic problems were resolved (for the time), my relationship had improved and I had finally gotten the promotion I had been seeking for a very long time. Life seemed to be going very good, and I was back on track.

So there you have it... That was the first one.

I will tell you about the second one, but that will be for another day.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Oscar night

In honor of tonight's event, I'm going to partially use this post to give a "thank you" speech...

Thank you to all of those that inspired me to start my own blog, because it has helped me very much, it has been my therapy and my way to stay sane while everything around me is maddening.

Thank you to all of you that are still reading this blog, despite the fact that the posts go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and... you get the drift.

Thank you to all of those that take enough time to leave a comments, believe me, your input is greatly appreciated and very much welcome. I enjoy knowing that there are people out there that take that moment of their time to let me know that my ramblings don't fall on deaf ears, that at least I resonate with someone else's experience.

Frankly, I was doing really bad before I started this thing. My anxieties had started back up again, I was lashing out at everyone and anyone for ANY reason, I was starting to become depressed a lot again... I was basically spiraling to another breakdown, in a nutshell.

This may or may not have been caused by my hormonal problems, but there you have it. I was about to crack once more.

Writing this blog has reminded me of how I used to write as a teenager to vent all my frustrations and that that is how I managed to survive all that time without having to take medication. Writing is sort of my therapy, the glue that holds me together, and for one reason or another, I had stopped doing it like 8 years ago or so, and it had caused a buildup inside of me that had made me pop more than once.

Both times were not pretty. Both are things I'd rather forget. But as they say, "She who does not know the past is bound to repeat it" (or something to the effect) so as painful as those memories are, I hold on to them in the hope that I will not let myself get to the point where I was when they happened.

Tomorrow, I will recount the first of those breakdowns... You will be the judge whether I am totally nuts or not.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Better now...

Well, it seems I -was- hormonal.

I have been taking the pills for almost a month and a half now, and it's as if, along with helping regulate my period, someone had put me on anti-depressant medication.

I feel a lot more stable emotionally speaking, my gf and I are finally working through all the things that have happened during this past week (particularly a day during which I was especially nasty to her) and it seems all is finally going to be well.

I am really tired, but that just comes from being overstressed from work.

I came out to a friend today, and that was good. It's a Basset Hound breeder from whom I'd bought Freddie, and although initially we only spoke about the puppy I was purchasing, our love for dogs and our common fields of interest made us friends. He is a very nice man, around my age, and he's very smart and educated, something I admire greatly. We've always been on usted terms (the formal way to address someone in spanish) but even through that we've become friends. He took it surprisingly well, actually. A lot better than a few people who I thought were closer friends to me. Odd.

Anyway, this will be a short(er) post than the others, since I'm rather sleepy and I think I'm gonna have to work through the weekend. Hope everyone that reads my blog had a good week and that you'll have a wonderful weekend.

Before I go...

Has anyone had one of those moments where you're just suddenly REALLY grateful for all you have? Out of the blue? That suddenly you just realize how lucky you are and have a really good feeling about your life because although you may not have everything you want, you have everything you NEED?

I had one of those right now. Sitting here, in the TV room, with my cat by my side, a stomach full of albondigas en caldo de chipotle and having just watched a show I like. I just realized how lucky I am. I am alive, I have a roof over my head, a good job, a nice TV, an old and beat-up but working car, a loving kitty, a gf who is trying to be better for me, good food, family that cares, someplace to call my own... But above all, a life that's mine to achieve any goals that I want as long as I try hard enough.

It's all good...

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I'm hormonal

At least, I think that's what's been going on with me.

***WARNING***

Detailed and very descriptive narration about the female menstrual cycle upcoming... Skip this post if you're nauseaous.

So anyway. I hadn't blogged about this, but I've been having some serious menstrual cycle issues. It all started back in November.

I'm usually a very regular-cycle person, ranging from 28-30 days. Usually my period was always on the 3rd-4th of each month, give or take a day. In November, I attended the wedding of a dear friend and co-worker of mine that fell on the 3rd. I was prepared, of course, and sure enough, that night (at the party, no less) I felt the tug that signaled my period.

I was very surprised a few hours later to find that the tampon was NOT soaked through, since I'm usually a heavy bleeder. I shrugged it off and was actually kind of glad since I was wearing a white patterned dress, and certainly did not feel up for an "accident".

The next day was pretty much the same, and I think I spotted for about a week before I actually had my period, the usual 5-day event. Afterwards though, I spotted for about another week.

December came, and with it, on the 5th, came spotting and light bleeding off/on. This lasted until around the 23rd, when my period FINALLY came. It lasted it's 5 day run, and then stopped. No spotting.

January came around, and my period started on the 3rd, so I figured, Hey, it's back to normal!

Guess again.

After about 10 days on a heavy period, I decided to finally drag my ass to the gynecologist. He gave me an ultrasound and there were no cysts or tumors, so I was afraid I was having clotting issues. I've known for a while I have a certain problem where if I don't consume vitamin K pills on a somewhat regular basis, I will not clot right, my clotting time will be looooong. However, he said I was probably having hormonal issues and prescribed hormone therapy. Just to be on the safe side, he also added vitamin K and a clotting agent.

I took the pills and my period DID become lighter, however, it did not cease. I went to the doctor again, with some lab results which he said meant I did not have endometrial cancer (relief!) but was baffled as to why I wouldn't stop bleeding. He said if it didn't stop soon, he'd have to do a D & C (dilation and curettage) to remove the endometrium (the lining of the uterus) just in case THAT was the cause of it, but he'd have to get blood work first just in case I was still having clotting issues, because if I was, a D & C could kill me.

I freaked. Simple as that. Plus, I was doing all of this consultation outside of my insurance and couldn't afford any more tests, medicine or procedures. Health care here in Mexico is sort of complicated. We have a mandatory certain amount based on how much we earn taken each month and destined for health and social security. In return, we get free doctor's visits, free medicine, free lab tests, hospitalization, whatever, you name it, we got it. However, since every single working person in Mexico has this, it also means they're swamped. When I went to my general practitioner (1st step in the governmental health system) to see what they could do in regards to my problem, he told me he'd set up an appointment with the specialist (gynecologist) so he could check me out. Earliest appointment he could get was a little over a month afterwards.

Figuring I'd have bled out by then, I went to the private sector. Boy, was it expensive. Considering that minimum wage here is 15o USD a MONTH!!!, I spent over a month's worth of minimum wage between consult, lab and medicine, all of this despite the fact that the doctor only charged 20 USD for the visit (and only once). It was all of my saving's worth. I was broke. I couldn't afford anything else.

To top it all off, it was end of the month at my work, and I had results to turn in. My numbers hadn't been that great (since I hadn't been feeling well) and I needed to make up for backed-up work. I decided to postpone the visit to the government doctor until the 1st of february.

Magically, around the 22nd I stopped bleeding. It was heaven. I was glad. All was right with the world again. I researched, and since my pills were for 21 days, with a 7 day window before the next box, I should get my period around 10 days after, which was around 5 days after I stopped taking the pills.

I was right on target. I also stopped bleeding about 5 days after I started taking the pills, which was a total relief.

So, period back to normal for now.

What the heck is my problem then?

My temper. Ever since November my temper has been all over the place. I'm usually a very patient, calm and rational human being, but these few months I have become the unexpected rage monster. I will get majorly pissed at the drop of a hat. No notice. No real reason.

I don't know what's come over me lately, but I don't like it.

Has anyone experienced anything like this before? Will it go away after taking the pills for a few more months? I was told by my doctor that I should take them for 6-12 months, and I HAVE noticed a slight improvement on my temper, and I'm feeling a bit better, but I'm afraid that it won't go totally back to normal, and even more afraid of what will happen once I stop taking them.

Anyone have a clue?

*help*

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Cats

So today's post won't be a rant... Ok, it might end up being so if I can think of something to rant about (this is my therapy here people, be nice, it gets me through the day, and it's free!).

Have I ever mentioned how much I love cats?

I am one totally crazy cat-person. Don't get me wrong. I love ALL animals, but cats are just my absolute favorites. Wouldn't change them for the world.


I own a male cat right now, his name is Rito. His name is derived from (and short for) the word negrito in spanish, which means "little black one". He is 4 years old, black all over, has gorgeous green/yellow eyes, and is the MOST loving animal you have ever met. Some days, I think he believes he's 1)a dog, or 2) my kid. This depends on the mood he's in, of course.

Every day, when I come home from work, he'll greet me at the door meowing his little heart out. He'll cry until I pick him up and hug him and give him a good bunch of kisses, after which he'll pretend he's disgusted and wriggle out of my arms. After this, he'll follow me all around the house everywhere, no matter where I go (even to the bathroom!), and once I'm down, he's up on my lap. He curls up just so, and lays his head on my stomach and puts his arm around my waist (ok, where my waist -should- be) and just falls asleep purring. Should I need to have my laptop on my lap, then he scoots over to the side of my leg and still lays his head and his front paws wherever they fit between my laptop and my stomach. He'll always purr nonstop when he's with me.

He is such a good boy in other aspects too. He never does his business outside his litterbox, he will not eat ANYTHING that is not his cat food, except when I give him bits of raw meat, and he NEVER begs for food or bugs me while I'm eating.

Whenever I'm feeling sick or lonely, he's always right there by my side and rubbing his chin against me trying to make me feel better. He is so just my little baby.

He gets so apprehensive when I'm gone. When I go on vacations, I ask my housekeeper (who usually comes only twice a month) to come every other day to clean his litter and put out fresh water and food, and her kids LOVE my cat and have known him since I brought him home, but even then, he gets so upset when I'm not here that he just pukes all the time.

And he's so in tune with my emotions too. One time, when my gf was here, she and I were having a really bad time, and about halfway through my work day she called me to get home THEN. I told her to wait til I got out for the day, and when I came home I realized why she wanted me home... My cat had puked, pooed and peed underneath the chair she was sitting... He was trying to kick her out of the house in his way!!! He did not want her there if we were having problems!

I just love my cat.

I am going to get a dog in september, a purebred black & silver miniature schnauzer (got hooked on the breed when I was like 17, will tell you all about that in a later post) and now I'm ready to have another, since Frida passed away 3 years ago and I've mourned her enough.

But I'm worried. Frida lived with my parents, so my cat and her never met. He had a "brother" cat, but he ran away a few months ago. So now he's an only child, and spoiled rotten attention-wise. I'm worried that he won't like his new dog-sister and he'll fall ill or something.

About two years ago, I got my gf a basset hound puppy and gave it to her as a surprise here in Leon, and they got to meet and interact for 3 weeks, and he was fine, but I wasn't lavishing attention on the puppy, so I don't know how he'll feel once the new addition comes to live here.

Plus this new dog would be here permanently, which would mean actually getting along with it, not just hopping out of its way whenever it came near.

Have any ideas people? I really really want to make this work, because I am a schnauzer lover as much as I am a cat lover. Plus I already gave a down payment for the dog with the breeder I'm working with.

Oh well, any thoughts?

P.S.- Just like with babies, NEVER apply immunization to an animal that is ill. My gf and I didn't know this at the time, and at about a year old, she immunized Freddie the basset against canine distemper while he had an ear infection. The veterinarian didn't say anything about it, and he was the one treating the dog for it. Well, we found out the VERY hard way it should -never- be done. He got distemper. It is a very, very painful illness and an awful way to die for any animal.

He was treated for over a month, but in the end he was too ill to continue fighting, and he was finally put to rest by a different vet who was the one that told us he shouldn't have been vaccinated.

Please read up on all adverse effects a medication might have before you give anything to an animal that is ill, it could cost it its life.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Nothing in particular

Today I'm just going to post random rants... And maybe a thing or two more...

First. Why do some girls act like boys? (and I'm speaking specifically of lesbians here) I really can't understand it.

I'm a girl. The fact that I'm attracted to girls doesn't mean I have to act like a boy. Some girls (my gf included) have some really bad gender confusion issues going on. She's not guyish looking, that's not what I mean. I can understand why some girls would rather dress like guys, it's more comfortable I guess.

But act like them? My gf tends to be "macho" sometimes. As in saying she is the one that gets to make all the decisions and I have to defer to her and stuff like that. I don't know. Does that happen everywhere or just here in Mexico where machismo is prevalent?

She also insists on watching soccer (the national sport here) ALL the time. Kind of like NFL for american folks. She will be utterly mad and lash out at anyone and everyone if her team loses.

I dunno. Please someone explain this to me.

Another thing. Why is it that most lesbians here (and from what I've read in a few blogs, it seems I'm not alone) just want to go out to bars and get wasted and sleep around with anything that is female?

I got sick of the club scene when I was around 21. We start early here in Mexico, trust me, I had a good 7 years to party and get crazy... But I never slept around. I think I had like 1 one-night stand IN MY WHOLE LIFE. And it was a weekend thing.

If you want to have a lesbian friend here, she better have a gf. Because most single lesbians will only become your friend if a) She's hot for you, b) She's hot for your gf, or c) You know someone she wants to sleep with.

I don't get it. Everyone here has slept with everyone else. You know that diagram Alice from the L Word has? Well, here in Mexico (most places in Mexico I know) everyone is separated from everyone else by like... 2 lesbians. Especially if they're under 25. Oh yeah. The young'uns are VERY promiscuous. So much more so than those over 25... And around the same amount as those over 40... (yeah, the older ones here sleep around a lot).

Making friends here is really hard. *sigh* Most of my friends are gay males or straight people. I wish lesbians here were trustworthy... It says a lot that my gf is from like half a country away, doesn't it?

Don't get me wrong. I'm very grateful for lots of stuff I have. Like the fact that my mom has finally learned to accept who I am after 10 years. She even has a very cordial relationship with my gf.

Or that I own my own car (even if it IS a beat-up 1994 VW bug)

Or for my friends, and my family, and that everyone I care about is healthy.

Or even a sunny, or cloudy morning. Just the fact of waking up in the morning is something to be thankful for. (No, I'm not ill, it's just knowing that I have one more day when other people don't, you know?)

But there's just so many things that confuse me and drive me nuts.

I know I'm not really making a lot of sense right now, but it's just that all these ideas have been coming and going for a while, and I still haven't nailed them down yet.

Oh Gawd which brings me to a nasty commercial I just saw on TV right now.

It's for Coca-C*la zero. It's a different type here in Mexico which is still sugarless, but doesn't taste like a diet drink. It has no aspartame, I think. I personally like Diet better, but whatever, I guess some people liked the "regular" taste but didn't want all the calories.

Thing is, they're making these commercials to say it got better-tasting. And they mention several examples of things that have improved at something, and one of them is a lady doing a MILLION things while DRIVING!!! I mean, they are actually PROMOTING people to eat, write on a laptop, do their makeup, speak on a cellphone and I can't even remember what else WHILE DRIVING!!!

ARE THEY COMPLETE IDIOTS?

I can't believe Mexican advertising sometimes.

Ugh.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

This is the straw that broke the camel's back...

Ok so you'll forgive me if I don't make a lot of sense right now, but I'm mighty pissed.

You know how I said I'd been having problems with my gf? Well, I think she might have just blown it totally, at least from my perspective.

We have been having problems because after I finally decided to take the first step and move to Mexicali (a border town between Mexico and California), she told me she would move here instead so I wouldn't have to leave my job, my house, and probably my pets too. Thing was, she had no job over there anyway and was (at that time, about a year ago) on unemployment, and said she would instead save up enough to open up a small business down here.

Fast forward a full year later. She still isn't here. She still doesn't have a job. She still hasn't saved up enough from her checks to open up A FREAKING LEMONADE STAND here.

She hasn't looked for a job either. She's one of those people that feels she's entitled to stuff, and that things should come HER way, without her having to go look for them. It's as if she's expecting a job offer to fall outta the sky just for her. Oh, and a good paying job, at that.

Yet she expects me to remain calm and keep waiting for her.

She didn't used to be this way. She had a really good job in an office, worked very long hours, she LIKES to work, which is what makes this whole thing very ironic. She just hates LOOKING for work. She feels that since she was born in the USA, she -deserves- a good job. Never mind the fact that she speaks like THREE WORDS OF ENGLISH. Which pretty much makes her ineligible to work, oh, ANYWHERE in the U.S. except maybe the fields or a mexican restaurant (if even there).

I can't believe the people who have the nerve to declare they don't need to learn a second language, especially if it's the language of the country they were BORN in dammit!

I am SOOO pissed right now... But it's not even because of what's been mentioned above. That's something I had somewhat come to terms with.

A week ago, my lovely gf lets me know that she lost the engagement ring I gave her when she first came to visit me. Mind you, it's not a big deal, just a very simple white gold band with a small cubic zirconia. It cost me less than 100 USD (all I could afford at the time). But it's the principle, you know? I gave it to her with all my heart. My soul went with that ring. I immediately told her to look for it. RIGHT THEN. She said yes, of course.

Yesterday, I asked her about the ring. She said she hadn't even looked. My anger level started rising rapidly. I demanded that she start looking for it THAT INSTANT. She said she couldn't, since her aunt and cousins were already asleep and she couldn't start making a ruckus. Ok, I told her to look for it all day today UNTIL SHE FOUND THE DAMN THING. She said she would.

Fast forward all day today. I asked her a couple of hours ago if she'd found the ring. She said no. I asked her if she'd looked. She said yes, but that she still hadn't checked the vacuum. I told her to check it, and she said she couldn't. I asked her why.

She said she was going out to a gay bar with a bunch of lezzie friends. (If anyone finds the term demeaning, I apologize, but I am uber pissed right now and those "friends" of hers are scum to me right now)

I cannot describe how I felt at that moment. There was rage. There was sadness. There was a fierce desire to just break things off right then and there. I wish I had. I wish I could. Problem is, I love her. But I can't stand her anymore at the same time. I wish I knew what to do and how to do it.

I've tried breaking off with her before. Just ending things. But 3 days later, she comes to me, asks me to please give her another chance, that this time she'll really do as she promised, that this time she'll try harder. And I believe her. Because that empty, hurting place in my heart really WANTS to believe her. But it's all the same again.

I mean, it's not like she's abusive, or she's mean to me, or any of those other things that are CLEAR signals to run like hell from someone. She's always been faithful, she has never broken a promise, and she does truly love me and care for my wellbeing.

I am so confused. I don't know what to do anymore.

Top this all off with the fact that my ex, my first true love, has come back to court me. Yeah, she dumped me for someone else a few years ago. Yeah, she broke my heart. Thing is, I think she's changed. She's been going to a psychologist for over a year now, and we have talked and she seems genuinely sorry for what she put me through.

And I am confused. I think I never really stopped loving this person, despite the hell we put each other through during our few last months together. But I also know I love my current gf. Very much, since it obviously really hurt me to find out that she lost the engagement ring I gave her. But I'm also really disappointed in her. And my ex is sooo much closer (3 hr flight and 2 hr bus ride vs 1 hr bus ride, and she can move here NOW).

I don't know what to do. I've been trying like mad to salvage my current relationship for about a year now, and I'm just about to give up.

Anyone have a crystal ball?

*sigh*

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Introduction


Well, I'll have to warn you that this post is definitely going to be long... But if you hang in there, you might learn a bit about who I am.

To be fair to you, I guess most of my posts will be rather long because I tend to rant. Hence the name of the blog. But oh well, hope you can at least relate to some of it.

So here I am. My first post. I don't really know where to start, so I guess I'll do it chronologically.

I was born in Guadalajara, Jalisco, Mexico, on November 18, 1977. My mom was living in Puerto Vallarta at the time, since she was working for an airline called Hughes Air West. My dad was off in Queretaro somewhere doing his Medical School residency. When my mom bought me back to P.V., I became very sick, so I was left in Guadalajara in the care of my maternal grandmother, abuelita Gloria (just abuelita to me). I had a very happy childhood there. Five of the happiest years of my life. But as they say, all good things come to an end, and I was finally taken back to P.V. to live with my parents. By that time, I already had a little sister, A.V., and so I was thrust from being an "only" child at my abuelita's, to being a big sister to a very fragile preemie child.

That was the beginning of my problems. My sister was born at around 24 weeks into the pregnancy, weighing just a little over a pound. She was kept in an incubator for the first 4 months of her life, and the doctors terrified my mother into thinking my sister would be a very fragile and probably somewhat retarded child, which led my parents (especially my father) to become very overprotective and overbearing with her.

Anyway. So I was thrust upon a role I didn't want, and relegated to a far second place in my parents' life when I had been the apple of my abuelita's eye up until then. To top it all off, my mother and father had always wanted a boy, and I wasn't one. This fact was compounded when my little brother P.M. was born. My sister was a little over 3 years younger than I was, my brother a little under 6 years. My sister was daddy's girl, and my brother a momma's boy. I was the eldest, stuck in the uncomfortable "middle child" position.

Given the family dynamics (and the fact that my parents shouldn't ever have married in the first place... Yeah, really dysfunctional family) I was a lot happier at school than at home, so I became an overachiever in that area, which didn't bring me too many friends. I was the typical know-it-all trying to cope with a difficult family situation by being a grown up in a kid's body, and the other children hated me for it.

So on went my life, with twice yearly respites when I went to abuelita's during summer and winter vacations. Until I was like 8, and my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Well, actually they first thought she had Parkinson's, and was institutionalized, and then they diagnosed her as psychotic, and gave her shock therapy, which just caused everything to worsen. To this day it is still painful to remember my abuelita as what she became, versus the loving woman I grew up with.

My abuelita and me



When I was 11, my abuelita finally passed away. A few months before that, my mother, Y.S., and her sister V.G., took all of us kids, Me, my sister A.V., my brother P.M., and my cousin A.V.M. to see my abuelita for the last time. She didn't recognize her own daughters, so you can safely assume she couldn't recognize her grandchildren either. Except for me. When I came close, her eyes lost the glaze that was over them, and she gave me her bendicion (this is a catholic ritual where the sign of the cross is made onto someone). I was the only one she did that with. It is my last memory of her.

Things went downhill from there. My dad did something that caused him to have to get out of town for about 2 years, and we had a really hard time financially as well as emotionally and things were really hard for me at school, my only haven. i had to work at my parents' business, so social life was out of the question. My day consisted of getting up, going to school, getting out of school, and going to work from 2 pm to 10 pm as a clerk at my parents' pharmacy. Very hard on me, being that I was only 12 at the time. Things went rapidly downhill for that period, but then dad was able to come back, and something wonderful happened. I met my sister C.E. She is my dad's daughter from his second marriage (I have 3 older sisters from 3 different women... yeah, my dad is a philanderer). Well, C.E. changed my life. She became a true big sister to me. She helped me through the nasty teenage years, and, truth be told, I don't know what would have become of me if not for her. She basically saved me.

Fast forward a couple of years, and I was doing a lot better. I finally had friends, I was doing great in school again, and for my senior year in High School, I went to spend a year in the USA with my mom's sister V.G. and my cousin A.V.M. I had a wonderful time there, since I already had an excellent knowledge of english thanks to my grade school classes and living in a total tourist town. I made a lot of friends and learned a lot, and I also learned to relate better to people (something that's always been hard for me).

I came back to Mexico, and did senior year over again since USA High School curriculum is (no offense) very inferior to Mexico's, and I wouldn't be allowed to go into University with those classes. I made a lot of friends in my senior year in Mexico, and retained some of the old ones. Although I still felt like an outsider, I was able to relate to my peers better, and handled interpersonal relations in a much more successful fashion.

I graduated High School with honors, and was the top score on the admissions test to Medical School here in Mexico, in the Universidad de Guadalajara. I was happy there, since I had finally gotten away from my family in P.V. (not my siblings, I loved them, although we didn't always get along, it was my parents I was trying to escape). I was also getting along a LOT better with my father's family, which had until then avoided me because I wasn't very nice. I had changed though, and I was finally accepted into the family with open arms. I did well in school, not trying too hard, just finally being my age and doing things people my age do.

Then I discovered (or rather, finally accepted) that I was attracted to women. I was 19 at the time, and after having relationships with guys and even going so far as going to bed with one to prove myself straight, I finally conceded that I was a lesbian. I fell in love with a girl from the US living in Mexico at the time, but shortly after I went back home for vacations and my parents found out about me.

It was hell. My parents freaked, cried, got mad, and totally rejected me. They said I had to either become straight, or lose my family and support for school. Well, that did it. After 20 years of my parents running my life in every way, including who I could be friends with, where and when I went somewhere, even what kind of clothes I could wear, I was fed up. I made them believe I gave up to their whims to please them (as I always had) and once I was safely back in Guadalajara, I fled.

My parents managed to disrupt my life even then, though, because they found out my gf's parents' phone number in the USA, and brought them up to date with everything. They were Mexican-American, and they were not pleased. They came down here and took her back.

So I was alone, with no family (since my father had forbidden his family to have anything to do with me) and no money. Thankfully, my father's sister A.L. disregarded him completely and would not withdraw her support. I guess it helped that she is only 9 years older than me and was my confidant and already knew about everything, but still, her support was invaluable to me. I was also helped by a cousin of mine, an illegitimate son of one of my father's brothers, who just happened to be gay as well, and whose mom always supported him. I went to live with them for about a month while I got a job, and then moved into a casa de asistencia, sort of like a "boarding house" where you rent out a room (shared or not) from the landlady/landlord.

I worked, initially, as a secretary/receptionist/general "gopher" girl for a whiteboard factory. After that, I worked at the Hard Rock Cafe in Guadalajara. I went through a few girlfriends during that period, which was about a year, until I met M.E. She was from Leon, Guanajuato, and I was in love instantly. She had come to Guadalajara for a meeting of girls from a lesbian channel in IRC. I started traveling back and forth from Gdl to Leon in order to visit her, until we finally became a couple, and I moved.

It was hard once more, because jobs were scarce, I had basically no savings, and I had no local job references. I worked as a clerk for a pharmacy, as a waitress in a bar, as a busgirl in a restaurant, a waitress at another, a cashier at an office supplies store, and finally a CSR in a Call Center. I started to grow with that company, and eventually became a QA there, but meanwhile my relationship was falling apart. After 5 years, we had become very hostile towards one another, and everything became very destructive. It all ended when I learned she was cheating on me. I was devastated. She had sworn she would always love me, and I had always believed her. My world had finally fallen apart.

I had a series of very bad relationships after that, including one that left me highly in debt. This left my self-confidence even worse than it had been to begin with. It seemed I was attracting only the wrong kind of person. Or at least, this is what I thought.

With my last relationship, I think I've found something out. It's not that I attracted the wrong sort of person, but that I made them into the wrong sort of person. Through my insecurities, my clingyness, my co-dependency, I turned a good relationship into a bad one. It's something I'm working on with S.L., my current gf. It's hard though, because it's a long distance relationship (good lesbians are hard to come by here) and we're still working on getting together after 2 years. It's harder since she's Mexican-American (born in the USA) and she feels (rightly so) that she wouldn't be able to make as much money here as in the USA (she lives in a border town on Mexico's side). So she's trying to save up enough money to start up her own business here, but it's been slow, especially since we both felt the need to see each other often (every 3 months) and spending on trips does not help to save money.

So now, I'm working on trying to patch up my relationship with S.L. and meet my lifelong dream of becoming a mother as well as having a fulfilling relationship with a woman I love. It's going to be a bumpy ride, and I'm not sure if we'll make it, but only time will tell...