Here's my ticker!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Weirdness

Ok, seems like life is throwing another curveball my way, and I don't know if to feel relieved or sad about it.

As you may well know, if you follow me through some boards or from FF, I haven't had my period in well over 2 months. And the last period I had was very atypical, if you can even call it a period since it was so light.

I had really started believing I might just be pregnant... First, because my last period only lasted 4 or so days, and because I had never had such a light period in my life. Even the "mid" flow days were leaning heavily towards light. Secondly, because I have always been extremely regular, even if sometimes my system got sort of wonked out, I still had my period approximately every 30 days.

So I started thinking I might be pregnant. And I went on vacations thinking I might be. This worried me to no end for 3 reasons.

1. After my last (weird) period, I got a really bad stomach infection which caused very high fevers and I was prescribed antibiotics for it. I didn't mention pregnancy as a possibility to my doctor because at the time I firmly believed I wasn't. I took 2 separate courses of antibiotics when I might have been 3 weeks pregnant.

2. After I got rid of the stomach bug, and a weekend during which I felt cramping that felt distinctly like I was about to get my period, I got really depressed. Very much so. It just so happened that my friends organized a party and while there I decided to get completely zonked. I drank more than I care to remember, and I smoked a whole lot of cigarrettes.

3. I don't handle disappointment very well, and when I kept getting negative HPTs as well as negative OPKs about 30 days after my last period, I got discouraged and stopped taking my prenatals. This includes the folic acid.

So, there you have it. As much as I want to be pregnant, I was scared to death that I might be because not only had I gotten very very drunk, but I had also taken two courses of antibiotics and also stopped taking my vitamins.

But then, it would be very much in tune with the Catch-22 that seems to be my life. As if everything around me is dictated by Murphy's law. At the beginning of this week I made up my mind to go to my doctor to get a blood test, and if necessary, to get an u/s.

On Thursday this week, I started spotting.

It was light enough that I thought I might still be pregnant if I ever had been, but it made me start to wonder if it might just not be my period after all this time.

Friday the spotting was gone.

Then some time between yday and today, after a very refreshing nap, it turned bright red.

It seems I have finally gotten my period.

I can only say, I'm sort of sad that I didn't turn out to be pregnant, but I am very relieved. Very much so. I would have hated myself eternally had I had a child that was harmed in any way through my actions, or lack of them. I guess this was my body's way of teaching me I should never let my guard down, even when I think things aren't working the way I want them to, and that I should always make healthy choices, regardless of whether I'm pregnant or not, because one day another human being is going to be dependent on me and I need to be healthy and there for him/her.

Sometimes life just has a weird way of teaching us lessons. And getting us out of the gutter called depression with a swift slap to knock us back into our senses.

Onwards I go.

1 comment:

twondra said...

I'm so sorry about all you've been through. Depression is so hard. Thinking of you! (((HUGS)))