*^&#&^@*$^#@

I am so fucking pissed off right now, I can't even put it into words.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I went to the doctor almost every day last week. Tuesday I went for a consult. Wednesday I went to get blood drawn for tests and to turn in a urine sample. Friday I went to get the results. I showed the u/s I had gotten before to the doctor again, and again asked him if he didn't need it. He said no. I was told to come back today to get an appointment with the specialist (ob/gyn).

I went today at the appointed time. I was told the appointment was rejected, because there wasn't an u/s on file.

To say I was pissed is an understatement.

I went to the doctor again, and told him that it was his fault I hadn't gotten the appointment, expecting him to do something about it. He shrugged and said he couldn't, and that I should just bring the u/s back and try again. I was even more pissed. I reminded him that by today I'd been spotting for 2 weeks solid, and that every passing day it was heavier although not full blown AF yet, but that clots had started to appear. He said unless I was bleeding out, there was nothing he could do.

I went to my Dr's boss and told him the story. He shrugged too. Told me the same story about bleeding out. I asked WTF would happen if I suddenly started hemorrhaging seriously, and he said that when that happened, he would refer me to gyn emergencies to have a D & C.

I was furious by then. I started crying in frustration, impotence and rage. They take off enough money from my paycheck every month for me to see a private doctor and not get the fucking runaround!!!

I stormed back into his office, and told him that since they were not going to help me, and since they were going to delay my consult anyway, that I wasn't going to give them any freebies and that if they wanted a fucking ultrasound they better fucking take it themselves, especially since the u/s I had was 10 months old and it was probably worth shit by now anyway.

He didn't like it, and argued that I didn't need a new u/s since nothing could have changed until I got him talking in circles and saying that a tumor can develop in as little as 2-3 months. And then I said "see why I need a new ultrasound?". He grudgingly wrote up the script for it then. And so now I have to go to the freaking hospital again on monday to get an appointment scheduled to have an u/s.

The only light at the end of this tunnel is that I'll finally know if I do or don't have cysts, and if I had been pregnant at any point. Despite the negative urine tests they ran even at the hospital, I'm not too convinced that I wasn't pregnant.

For some weird reason, I had this feeling, you know? I sort of -felt- pregnant... And the fact that I'm starting to bleed after almost 2 and a half months and the way I've started bleeding makes me feel as if this is actually an abortion. The way the blood is coming out is nothing like I've ever had before. It doesn't look in any way close to how any of my previous periods have been, even the highly abnormal ones I had at the end of last year. The blood is different. Thinner. Darker.

And every day my abdomen feels more like a hot, hard rock.

I've never felt this way before. I don't know what an abortion feels like, but I do know what periods feel like to me, and this is definitely not what one feels like.

And I'm sad.