Dying inside...

Just came back from the ob/gyn.

Definitely not pregnant.

PCOS suspected. As well as Hashimoto's. Along with a Prolactin imbalance, still to be determined if ovarian or tumor caused.

I don't have much else to say.

Heartbroken, but relieved to at last know something for certain, I guess.

Sad. Interminably sad...

WTF...

Ok I've had it with all my cycle irregularities and shyte. I am baffled, confused, and I'm beginning to suspect I have a psychological pregnancy on my hands.

Why? -You ask- Well, let me make a list...

(Aside from the fact that all my urine tests have been negative, and no, I haven't had a blood test done because the stupid doctor at the government clinic said it wasn't necessary)

1. Yesterday I felt flutterings right underneath my belly button. And a soft poking, as if someone was sliding a fingertip through my insides. And bumping. Soft bumping.
2. I have a very weird discharge these days, very thick and gooey. Like egg white. But like COLD eggwhite (thicker). And it's usually tinged with brown, pink or sometimes, very little red. I looked for images as to what it could be and it looks disturbingly like a mucous plug.
3. I have nipple discharge!!! And no, I haven't been overly handling my breasts. Only enough to wrangle on a bra each morning and take it off at night. I don't even do monthly breast exams. My doc takes care of that every year or so (yeah, don't even get on my case about this one...)
Which brings me to my next point
4. Bigger boobs. I noticed it the other day. Like. Maybe a week ago.
5. I feel as if I'm wearing a tight suit. My clothes keep fitting the same, but I feel as if my body is expanding underneath my skin, all in my tummy area. You can't really tell anything though because of the fat on me already (I'm very overweight).

So there you have it. Either I'm pregnant or I'm certifiably bonkers. Either way, I guess I'll find out by mid december when I can afford to go to a private doctor, because I am NOT going back to the government run clinic after the last fiasco. Wish me luck, and that I'm not dragged off to the looney bin.

Spotting again... Rant

Ok, so after feeling like a blown-up balloon for a couple of days, I got some very uncomfortable cramps. After that, I started spotting. And spotting. And it's been 2 days just spotting.

I really hope this doesn't turn out like last month where I spotted for 20 days before finally getting AF, because it's really gonna throw everything off. I had hoped to be able to insem by my birthday or close to it (November 18) but now I'm not sure I'll be able to. I really hate this up and down I'm going through with my cycle, I just can't seem to get anything right lately.

I have been thinking a lot about stuff, and all that goes into my head are the "what if"s. If only I had thrown my fears to the wind and tried to get pregnant sooner. If only I hadn't concentrated on being with someone before I tried to get pregnant. If only...

I know that concentrating on things I could have done differently changes nothing and only gets me sad, but I really can't help it lately. I want to become a mom so bad it hurts, and it's practically the only thing I can think about.

It just gets me so frustrated sometimes. I really feel for everyone that wants to get pregnant, but sometimes I read about women who already have children, and who feel sorry for themselves because they can't have a 5th or a 6th, and it hurts so bad, because they're already blessed! And I can't even have that... I wish I was one of those complaining about how I can't have a 2nd, 3rd or 4th child. I'm not saying their pain isn't real... But it certainly can't compare to those of us who haven't even been able to become mothers once.

I guess I should shut up now before I say something else that is gonna push my foot so far into my mouth I can't ever get it out. I'm just bitter today.

I am sooo happy!

My period is finally over! No 22-day period like in January! Yay for me!

I cannot express how happy I am. I finally stopped bleeding after 10 or so days on Tuesday, and I'm delighted! I don't know if it's psychological or actually something physical or both, but I feel healthier, with more energy and not gloomy! Lately I had been feeling sort of depressed but I didn't know if it was hormones, just the blues or a mixture of both. Now, however, I feel wonderful!

I am so glad things are looking up. Now I just hope that things stay that way and that my next period comes in 20 days or so, and I will be happy as a clam!

Aren't I using load and loads of exclamation marks? As Dooce would say, my use of them just left someone exclamation mark-less. But I don't care! I am happy!!!

Please still keep me in your thoughts and send good vibes my way, I still need them.

But I'm happy! :D

OMG

I just recently started looking into the search terms people use to find my blog...

Is it OK that I'm disturbed that they found it looking for...

Nasty Mamis Pregnant

???!!!

Oh geez. Here come the sickos.

LOL

*^&#&^@*$^#@

I am so fucking pissed off right now, I can't even put it into words.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I went to the doctor almost every day last week. Tuesday I went for a consult. Wednesday I went to get blood drawn for tests and to turn in a urine sample. Friday I went to get the results. I showed the u/s I had gotten before to the doctor again, and again asked him if he didn't need it. He said no. I was told to come back today to get an appointment with the specialist (ob/gyn).

I went today at the appointed time. I was told the appointment was rejected, because there wasn't an u/s on file.

To say I was pissed is an understatement.

I went to the doctor again, and told him that it was his fault I hadn't gotten the appointment, expecting him to do something about it. He shrugged and said he couldn't, and that I should just bring the u/s back and try again. I was even more pissed. I reminded him that by today I'd been spotting for 2 weeks solid, and that every passing day it was heavier although not full blown AF yet, but that clots had started to appear. He said unless I was bleeding out, there was nothing he could do.

I went to my Dr's boss and told him the story. He shrugged too. Told me the same story about bleeding out. I asked WTF would happen if I suddenly started hemorrhaging seriously, and he said that when that happened, he would refer me to gyn emergencies to have a D & C.

I was furious by then. I started crying in frustration, impotence and rage. They take off enough money from my paycheck every month for me to see a private doctor and not get the fucking runaround!!!

I stormed back into his office, and told him that since they were not going to help me, and since they were going to delay my consult anyway, that I wasn't going to give them any freebies and that if they wanted a fucking ultrasound they better fucking take it themselves, especially since the u/s I had was 10 months old and it was probably worth shit by now anyway.

He didn't like it, and argued that I didn't need a new u/s since nothing could have changed until I got him talking in circles and saying that a tumor can develop in as little as 2-3 months. And then I said "see why I need a new ultrasound?". He grudgingly wrote up the script for it then. And so now I have to go to the freaking hospital again on monday to get an appointment scheduled to have an u/s.

The only light at the end of this tunnel is that I'll finally know if I do or don't have cysts, and if I had been pregnant at any point. Despite the negative urine tests they ran even at the hospital, I'm not too convinced that I wasn't pregnant.

For some weird reason, I had this feeling, you know? I sort of -felt- pregnant... And the fact that I'm starting to bleed after almost 2 and a half months and the way I've started bleeding makes me feel as if this is actually an abortion. The way the blood is coming out is nothing like I've ever had before. It doesn't look in any way close to how any of my previous periods have been, even the highly abnormal ones I had at the end of last year. The blood is different. Thinner. Darker.

And every day my abdomen feels more like a hot, hard rock.

I've never felt this way before. I don't know what an abortion feels like, but I do know what periods feel like to me, and this is definitely not what one feels like.

And I'm sad.

Yes, I sold out

If you noticed the changes, you know what I mean. Please don't get on my case about it. You know what they're there for, and why, if you've read previous posts.