Here's my ticker!

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Numb

Lately, that's how I've been feeling. Numb. After the heart breaking 3 days I had after having my last baby dream where I SWEAR I almost ran out the door to beg someone, ANYONE for sperm, I've sort of started running on automatic mode.

I dunno. Maybe it's one of my mood swings, and maybe it's a signal of depression. I don't know anymore. Not even sure if I care, really, because maybe being numb is better than feeling all the uncertainty and want and need and pain that surrounds my life right now.

I wish I had a clear path of what my life is going to be like, but I'm not even sure I have that anymore. I wish I had the financial freedom to be able to say "the hell with everything" and just get pregnant and not rely on anyone else, but the truth is, I won't be able to make it without my partner, and she's not all that economically stable either. Hell, she lives off unemployment. (Which she gets in dollars since she's a US citizen... And dollars go a long way in Mexico)

I'm too confused right now to try to make sense out of anything. Too dazed. Like the title of that 90's movie (but definitely not its theme). I wish I could just send consequences to the wind and be daring and say "I'll make it myself somehow" and go for it, regardless of my situation, but in reality I'm too much of a coward, and I've sworn for ages that I wouldn't put any child of mine in a situation where his/her needs would go by unmet. And I'm afraid they will if I just leave destiny up to, well... Destiny.

Too many questions going round my head. Too many options. Too many answers. Don't want to think right now, just want to sleep.

I guess I -am- depressed.

2 comments:

Jess said...

All I can say is....I understand!!!!

giggleblue said...

you know, my love had the same exact emotions that you are having years ago. she wanted to be a mother soooo freaking bad, but she didn't feel like she was "prepared" to do so, and she didn't. she was with girlfriends who weren't ready to settle down and have children, so that didn't help either.

she put the desire in the back of her mind and tried to forget, only it never really went away.

we are trying now, and trust this is not the ideal situation. truth is, there will never be an ideal situation. there will never be a perfect time to have a child.

i'm not saying that you should be irresponsible and make hasty choices, but truth is, if you feel this is your calling right now, then go for it!! the right time is now.