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Sunday, February 17, 2008

This is the straw that broke the camel's back...

Ok so you'll forgive me if I don't make a lot of sense right now, but I'm mighty pissed.

You know how I said I'd been having problems with my gf? Well, I think she might have just blown it totally, at least from my perspective.

We have been having problems because after I finally decided to take the first step and move to Mexicali (a border town between Mexico and California), she told me she would move here instead so I wouldn't have to leave my job, my house, and probably my pets too. Thing was, she had no job over there anyway and was (at that time, about a year ago) on unemployment, and said she would instead save up enough to open up a small business down here.

Fast forward a full year later. She still isn't here. She still doesn't have a job. She still hasn't saved up enough from her checks to open up A FREAKING LEMONADE STAND here.

She hasn't looked for a job either. She's one of those people that feels she's entitled to stuff, and that things should come HER way, without her having to go look for them. It's as if she's expecting a job offer to fall outta the sky just for her. Oh, and a good paying job, at that.

Yet she expects me to remain calm and keep waiting for her.

She didn't used to be this way. She had a really good job in an office, worked very long hours, she LIKES to work, which is what makes this whole thing very ironic. She just hates LOOKING for work. She feels that since she was born in the USA, she -deserves- a good job. Never mind the fact that she speaks like THREE WORDS OF ENGLISH. Which pretty much makes her ineligible to work, oh, ANYWHERE in the U.S. except maybe the fields or a mexican restaurant (if even there).

I can't believe the people who have the nerve to declare they don't need to learn a second language, especially if it's the language of the country they were BORN in dammit!

I am SOOO pissed right now... But it's not even because of what's been mentioned above. That's something I had somewhat come to terms with.

A week ago, my lovely gf lets me know that she lost the engagement ring I gave her when she first came to visit me. Mind you, it's not a big deal, just a very simple white gold band with a small cubic zirconia. It cost me less than 100 USD (all I could afford at the time). But it's the principle, you know? I gave it to her with all my heart. My soul went with that ring. I immediately told her to look for it. RIGHT THEN. She said yes, of course.

Yesterday, I asked her about the ring. She said she hadn't even looked. My anger level started rising rapidly. I demanded that she start looking for it THAT INSTANT. She said she couldn't, since her aunt and cousins were already asleep and she couldn't start making a ruckus. Ok, I told her to look for it all day today UNTIL SHE FOUND THE DAMN THING. She said she would.

Fast forward all day today. I asked her a couple of hours ago if she'd found the ring. She said no. I asked her if she'd looked. She said yes, but that she still hadn't checked the vacuum. I told her to check it, and she said she couldn't. I asked her why.

She said she was going out to a gay bar with a bunch of lezzie friends. (If anyone finds the term demeaning, I apologize, but I am uber pissed right now and those "friends" of hers are scum to me right now)

I cannot describe how I felt at that moment. There was rage. There was sadness. There was a fierce desire to just break things off right then and there. I wish I had. I wish I could. Problem is, I love her. But I can't stand her anymore at the same time. I wish I knew what to do and how to do it.

I've tried breaking off with her before. Just ending things. But 3 days later, she comes to me, asks me to please give her another chance, that this time she'll really do as she promised, that this time she'll try harder. And I believe her. Because that empty, hurting place in my heart really WANTS to believe her. But it's all the same again.

I mean, it's not like she's abusive, or she's mean to me, or any of those other things that are CLEAR signals to run like hell from someone. She's always been faithful, she has never broken a promise, and she does truly love me and care for my wellbeing.

I am so confused. I don't know what to do anymore.

Top this all off with the fact that my ex, my first true love, has come back to court me. Yeah, she dumped me for someone else a few years ago. Yeah, she broke my heart. Thing is, I think she's changed. She's been going to a psychologist for over a year now, and we have talked and she seems genuinely sorry for what she put me through.

And I am confused. I think I never really stopped loving this person, despite the hell we put each other through during our few last months together. But I also know I love my current gf. Very much, since it obviously really hurt me to find out that she lost the engagement ring I gave her. But I'm also really disappointed in her. And my ex is sooo much closer (3 hr flight and 2 hr bus ride vs 1 hr bus ride, and she can move here NOW).

I don't know what to do. I've been trying like mad to salvage my current relationship for about a year now, and I'm just about to give up.

Anyone have a crystal ball?



lezzoh said...

keep it simple.
about ur current gf, if u just wanna give it up, well, then do if u feel like it its for a reason.

about ur ex, assuming u broke up with ur current gf, still take the time to see things clearly as maybe u feel u need her becouse of the things u don't have in ur actual relation, learn first to be really "Single" before u start something new, even if it is with someone you already have been with.


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Miriam A.Z. said...

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Sarah and BB said...

I don't really have any advice for you, other than that I hope you find the best way for you and whatever makes you happy.

Keep ranting and venting your way thru it, you will find the answer.