Here's my ticker!

Friday, March 7, 2008

The big green ugly monster

Today I got a visitor. It is a nasty one, at that. It's called envy.

Out of the blue, today, I just got really envious of my 2 direct female co-workers... Why? They're both pregnant.

They're both younger than me, at 26 and 24, the 26 year old already having a 4 year old son.

I'm 30, and I'm not even close to having a child.

I'm really really jealous, and it does not feel nice.

I'm glad for both of them, really, because the 24 yr old thought she might be sterile because of hormonal issues, and the 26 yr old had a spontaneous abortion about 4 months ago, so I'm really glad for her especially because she was devastated when she lost that baby.

But im still jealous.

I've known for as long as I can remember that I wanted to be a mom someday, but that day doesn't seem even close. I don't feel stable enough emotionally or economically to have a child. A lot of moms have told me that one never feels ready enough, and that when you have a child, things just fall into place, but I'm afraid. I had a mental image of where I would be at with my life when I had a child, and I'm finding it hard to let go of that ideal...

So... Anyone have any suggestions? Comments? Words of encouragement? Has anyone felt not ready but decided to take the plunge anyway and had it work out for the best? Has anyone done it and wished they'd waited? (not saying you regret having kids, just wished you'd held off longer)

Please, any comments will be highly appreciated.

2 comments:

jessie said...

it's so fucking hard, isn't it? all i can tell you is that you're not alone in this green world.

Sonya said...

A favorite quote a dear friend told us. They had a baby, we were about to have babies.

He said "You have no idea what you've signed up for." IMO, truer words haven't been spoken. I don't think one is ever *really* ready for parenthood.

With that said though, throwing caution to the wind on something this big... is, well, big.